When I’m Emperor

By Chen Cang

During the Era of the Republic of China, a group of bachelors got together to talk about their dreams of being emperor.

The beggar said: I’ve never eaten a full meal before in my life.When I’m emperor, I’ll have biangbiang noodles at every meal.The noodles will be longer than the belt around your waist.They will be coated with oil so runny and red that you’ll be able to see your own shadow in it.Two large bowls of noodles and a large bowl of noodle broth to wash it down with.Stuffed and glutted, just like a rich man’s father.

The barber said: Noodles? What are noodles in comparison to meat? All my life, the only time we’ve gotten to eat meat was at New Year.We’d spend the other eleven months of the year yearning for meat.When I’m emperor, I’ll spend every meal gnawing on some meat.The meat slices will be twice the size of my barber’s knife.One bite and you’ll have fat pouring out of the sides of your mouth; add a mouthful of Qinchuan Liquor and fragrant smell will be wafting all around.Eating well, drinking well, and in good health; standing on the street, you’ll look as imposing as a police officer.

The gambler said: Pshaw! Gluttons’ lives aren’t any better than that of a ghost.Life is but a dream, you’ve got to make the most of it.You only get one life, of course you need to eat well, but you have to have even more fun.When I’m emperor, I’ll turn all these stores on this street into casinos and gamble all day long.Who would dare to take the emperor’s money? I’d win every hand and take every game.I’d live happier than the heroes of Liangshan.

The “john” said: I’ve gambled for thirty years and everyone just pockets their own money.There are no friends in the casino, friendships get injured and health gets hurt.Life is like a blade of grass; you’ve got to play around.Wait till I’m emperor, I’ll send a group of guards to Mrs.Bai’s and have them guard her brothel night and day.Besides me, the emperor, no one else would be allowed in or out.Whoever dares to enter would be turned into a eunuch by the Imperial Household Department on the emperor’s orders.

The manure collector said: What does eating, drinking,or being merry have to do with anything? Only people with power, status, and domain are truly impressive.Look how mighty the emperor is in Shaanxi opera.When you’re the emperor, whatever you say goes.When I’m emperor, the first thing I’ll do is issue an imperial decree stating that the horse dung on the road, the donkey poop on the country dirt trails, the cattle manure on the hillsides, and the sheep’s droppings on the cliffs all belong to my family and no one else may pick them up.Anyone who disobeys this command will have their heads chopped off.

(FromA Bright Mirror Hung on High, Sanqin Publishing House.Translation: Sam Bowden)

光棍漢的皇帝夢

文/陳倉

民國時期，一幫光棍湊在一起講自己當皇帝的夢想。

討飯的說：從小到大，咱沒吃過一頓飽飯，等咱當了皇帝，一天吃三頓油潑辣子扯面，面條比褲腰帶長，油潑辣子稀溜溜紅得照出人影兒。兩大碗干面，一大碗面湯，吃飽了，喝脹了，咱就和財主他爸一樣了。

剃頭匠說：面哪里有肉香？從小到大，只有過年才能吃一回肉，一年四季饞得慌啊。等咱當了皇帝，頓頓咥肉片，那肉片要比我的剃頭刀子大一倍。咬一口肉，滿嘴角流油；嘬一口秦川大曲，滿屋飄香。吃喝好，身體壯。街面前一站，和保長一樣氣派。

耍錢的（賭徒）說：呸！餓死鬼活著不如吊死鬼。人生如夢，抓緊胡弄。人活一輩子，既要吃好，更要耍好。等咱當了皇帝，咱把這街面前的鋪子都改成場子（賭場），從天明耍到天黑。誰敢贏皇上的銀子？把把和，場場贏。比梁山好漢快活啊。

串門子的（嫖客）說：牌打三十年，各裝各的錢。賭場沒朋友，傷了和氣傷身體。人命如草，抓緊胡搞。等咱當了皇帝，派一哨御林軍日夜把守白二寡婦家的窯洞，除了朕，任何人不得進出。誰敢去，朕命內務府把他弄成太監。

拾糞的說：吃喝玩樂算個啥，人活著有權有勢有地盤才叫威風。老戲（秦腔）上的皇帝多厲害，當皇帝玩的就是一個人說了算。等咱當了皇帝，先發一道圣旨，官路上的馬糞、村道上的驢糞、坡上的牛糞、崖畔上的羊屎蛋統統歸我們一家人拾，抗旨不遵的斬。

（摘自《明鏡高懸》三秦出版社）