Being Pampered Is Not a Blessing

By Zhang Manjuan

The biggest crisis of being in favor is suddenly falling into disfavor.

During a chat with friends, a married man somehow complained about his wife, “God, I really don't understand women.”

Another guy, with a calm smile on his face, said, “Women are not for understanding, but for adoring.”

Hearing those words, all the ladies around looked at him with admiration, making him the most charming man of the night.

This scene reminded me of my time in college when my friends and I were looking for our Mr. Right.We always said with a dreamy smile, “I hope to meet a guy who will treat me like a princess.”

Why do women need to be pampered?

For thousands of years, women have been lacking self-confidence,economic independence, and mental freedom in their lives. Their glory and disgrace, their gain and loss, all depend on men. Therefore,being pampered means winning wealth, status, reputation, and power.

“Worry about going out of favor when in favor, and become disconsolate when falling into disfavor.” That is a line from a poem of the Tang Dynasty (618-907), which describes the lingering nightmare of women in ancient times. This long history, to this day,is still like bondage. Even after the women's liberation movement,they still desire to be pampered by men so as to prove their charm and satisfy their endless vanity.

Why do men pamper women?It is analogous to the fact that we like to keep pets if we have leisure time and it isn't too costly. Also, it is out of vanity. Pampering others and being pampered are based on similar psychology.

Pampering women or keeping pets are actually one-way relationships between a superior and subordinate. I do not really envy those pampered women. What I want is understanding in an equal,two-way relationship.

A friend told me that some women just want to be pampered,but they fail to be understood.I certainly know that for some people, even a short-lived experience of being pampered, like fireworks, makes them feel happy.However, being pampered is too passive after all. It is completely subject to others and dependent on others.

For me, I still would rather choose to be understood. I desire to be understood, and I also want to understand the other person in the relationship. I would not be presumptuous in my love,nor be spoiled. If I am helped by my loved one, I want it to be out of understanding rather than indulgence. If I am not supported by my loved one, I would like to hear rational advice that could make up for my shortcomings.Thus, I would feel at ease in such an equal relationship based on mutual respect. (From Selected Essays by Zhang Manjuan, Changjiang Literature and Art Press.Translation: Chen Jiani)

受寵不是幸福的事

文/張曼娟

受寵的最大危機是，突然失寵。

和朋友們聊天，有個已婚男人帶著抱怨意味說起妻子：“天啊，真搞不懂女人。”另一個男人氣定神閑地微笑說：“女人是用來寵的，不是用來懂的。”

此言一出，馬上匯聚周遭女性贊賞的眼光，他成為當晚最佳風度男性代表。

我忽然想起大學時代，和女同學憧憬著另一半，總是帶著夢幻的微笑說：“我希望能遇到一個男人，很寵我。”女人為什么需要寵愛？幾千年來，女性生活史中欠缺自信，沒有經濟能力與心靈空間，所有的榮辱得失，都在男人的寸心之間，所以，受寵就表示掌握了財富、地位、名聲、權力。所謂的“得寵憂移失寵愁”，也是古代女人揮之不去的夢魘。這段漫長的歷史軌跡，及至今日，仍像一種束縛，女人完成獨立自主革命后，依然渴望受寵，以證明自身魅力，滿足無底無盡的虛榮心。

男人為什么寵愛女人？這與我們在有閑暇而不致花費太多的情況下會豢養寵物，是類似的道理，同時，這也是一種虛榮感的完成。寵人與受寵，都是建立在相似的心理背景下。

寵愛或豢養，其實都是一種上對下的、單向的關系。我并不羨慕受寵愛的女人，我想要的是了解，是一種對等的、雙向的關系。朋友說，有些女人只想求得一次受寵，尚且不可得，更別說被了解這樣的事。我當然明白，也知道對某些人來說，能得到寵愛，即使是短暫的，像煙火，也算是燃燒過了，也就有了幸福。受寵畢竟太被動，完全受制于人，取決于人。

我還是愿意選擇了解，我渴望被懂，也懂得另一個人。不在愛里放肆，不恃寵而驕。如果獲得那人的成全，是因為被了解，而不是被縱容；如果那人不支持，我也希望聽見理性的建議，可以彌補我的不足，于是心安理得。這才是尊重、平等的兩性關系。

（摘自《張曼娟散文精選》長江文藝出版社）