Chinese Marriage Through a Foreigner’s Eyes

By Alan Paul Trundley

In PRC marriage is seen as a joining of families, such as it was in the past in western countries.

In many countries there are three components to a wedding:the legal, a ceremony perhaps religious, and a “party.” This is essentially true in PRC. The legal element can only be completed by the officials in the offices of the Civil Affairs Bureau. Many couples marry officially and then proceed to the ceremony or party the next weekend, or even later.

China has full religious tolerance so any couples wanting a religious ceremony can have one of their choosing. Others sometimes choose a non-religious traditional style ceremony quite likely related to the region or ethnic group they are from.Given the size of China and its range of ethnic groups, it is easily understood that there is much variety throughout the country.

The third element is the“party,” what in the English tradition is known as a“reception,” though the word“banquet” is perhaps the best in the Chinese context, where friends and relatives are entertained. Again similar to the west, there are “obligations” and the guests will often be friends of the parents. As in most countries there is special food and usually alcoholic drink too. The form of this varies often according to finances. Some receptions are held in the street, but most will be in a restaurant, often lavish.

Generally, a foreigner will not feel at all out of place at the banquet as it is not so different from what they’re used to. Of course, the meal is in the Chinese way, with groups of about 10 guests around each table with a range of dishes being served over a period of an hour or so. The couple, perhaps with immediate family, will probably move from table to table toasting the guests.

China has special foods associated with weddings, again varying from region to region.There is an equivalent of the western wedding cake. Individual Dragon and Phoenix cakes,meaning Happiness Cakes, may be given to guests.

Usually, there will be speeches complimenting and praising the couple and the families, and offering good wishes for the future. There will not be a speech by a “best man” insulting and seeking to embarrass the groom as we are used to in the Anglo-American tradition!

在中國，婚姻往往被視為兩個家庭的結合，這與過去西方的婚姻并無二致。

在許多國家，一場完整的婚禮少不了三個元素：法律認證、（宗教的）結婚儀式，以及“聚會”。在中國，這些程序也必不可少。法律認證的部分只能在民政局完成。許多新人都是先領證，然后在下周末，或者更晚些時候舉辦婚禮或者聚會。

中國對宗教信仰十分包容，因此新人可以選擇是否舉行帶有宗教儀式感的婚禮，或者讓這場儀式更有地區或民族特色。中國幅員遼闊，民族眾多，婚禮形式也多種多樣。

第三個元素是“聚會”，也就是英國傳統中招待親朋好友的“招待會”，盡管英文中“宴會”一詞可能才是最符合中國實際的。與西方相似的是，參加這種喜宴也有一些“人情”的成分在，賓客們往往都是新人父母的好友。跟許多國家一樣，喜宴上少不了某些特別的食物，而且通常還要喝點酒。至于餐飲的形式，則根據新人家庭的經濟狀況而定。有些招待會在街面上舉辦，但大多數都會選擇餐廳酒店，常常辦得很豪華。

總的來說，作為外國人，參加這樣的喜宴絲毫不會感覺格格不入，因為這與他們以往參加的婚禮宴會沒什么兩樣。當然，就餐的形式頗具中國特色，每十來個人圍著一張桌子就坐，各式菜品一個小時左右陸續上齊。而新人也可能在直系家人的陪同下，挨桌挨席地去向賓客們敬酒。

喜宴上常有為婚禮特制的食物，當然，這在中國各地也是千差萬別。跟西方的結婚蛋糕一樣，中國人結婚時可能有“龍鳳糕”，也就是“喜糕”，分發給來賓。

通常，喜宴過程中會有人輪流發言，把新人和兩家人都夸贊一番，并對他們未來的生活致以誠摯的祝福。但與英美傳統不同的是，宴會中不會有什么“伴郎”發言故意調侃新郎的環節。

在西方，宣誓常被視為一場婚禮的核心環節，不管是公證婚禮還是宗教婚禮。在中國沒有這一套習俗，不過，喜宴中可以采用另一種風俗，用紅繩或紅色綢帶把酒杯綁在一起，讓新人對飲。

新娘必須穿新鞋，她的家人會假裝阻止新娘離開父母與新郎見面，而新郎的家人卻要想盡辦法將新娘和她的隨行親友迎到男方家來。而且，新婚之后的第三天還有到女方父母家“回門”的習俗，儀式繁雜，比如贈送新人們更多寓意美好的禮物，也有返回一些嫁禮的。“回門”的習俗各地不盡相同，各個家庭遵循這些習俗的意愿也有強有弱。

外國朋友們，尤其是男人們：為了往后的幸福生活，面對主人家和新娘提出的要求，務必要懂得變通。

結婚照

一般來說，在結婚照這件事上，中國與西方國家不太相同，在西方，專業的攝影和錄像被認為是婚禮儀式中不可或缺的部分。而在中國，結婚照常常指的就是新婚藝術照。

大多數新人會選擇專業的攝影團隊來拍攝，而且可能早在婚禮前三個月就拍完了。大多數新人都會租用禮服，最流行的搭配大概是新娘穿著正式的西式婚紗，新郎穿著正式西裝或者更新式的夾克和褲子。當然，也有一些新人會選擇傳統服飾（比如旗袍）。至于婚紗照拍攝的地點，除非你自己有心儀的選擇，否則一般來說，為了拍攝背景足夠浪漫，都是在當地擇一處風景優美之地，或者直接選在攝影工作室。

可以肯定的是，幾乎每個城鎮都至少有一家專門的店，在那里可以租到婚紗禮服，安排結婚照的拍攝事宜。應該在婚禮策劃初期就去這些店里轉轉，看看有什么是在結婚時用得上的。如果想實地看看婚紗照的實際拍攝情況，那就直接去當地最受歡迎的拍攝點。

The wedding vow is considered a core element in the west, both civil and religious. China does not really have this but during the reception you could use the custom of the couple drinking from glasses or goblets joined together with red string or ribbon.

The bride must wear new shoes,the bride’s family may act trying to prevent the bride meeting the groom and so leaving her parents,while the groom’s family tries to get the bride and her entourage into the groom’s family home.There is also a tradition of visiting the bride’s parents on the third day after the wedding with an associated series of rituals such as further meaningful gifts and even the returning of some gifts.Such traditions are varied as is the desire of families to follow them.

Foreigners and men: for a happy life, be flexible to the desires of the hosts and your bride!

Wedding Photos

Typically, this is a bit different from western countries where professional photos or videos are taken as part of the wedding ceremony. In China, they are often referred to as bridal photos.Most couples will choose to have professional photos and have them taken maybe as much as three months before the wedding.

Most couples will hire costumes, perhaps the most popular is for the bride to wear a formal western style wedding gown and the groom to wear a formal suit or a more modern stylish jacket and trousers.Alternatively, some couples choose traditional clothes (e.g.Cheongsam). Unless you have a personal choice the photo “shoot”will be at a local beauty spot and in the photographic studio so as to ensure romantic backdrops.

One thing you can be sure,every town has at least one special shop where you can hire clothes and arrange for wedding photos. So early in the planning process visit some and see what is available. If you would like to see photo shoots in action, just go to the favoured local spots.

Engagement

In the west it is common for a couple to formally announce their wedding by becoming engaged and traditionally the man buys the woman an engagement ring. In China it is often somewhat different. Most Chinese, especially girls, will want their parents to be happy with an engagement before it is committed to.

When you are first introduced to the parents be careful about what words are used if you are not yet committed to marriage.Some parents equate “boyfriend”or “girlfriend” with being engaged and if they approve of you, you could find things get out of hand.

Gifts

The custom is for the groom’s parents to buy “grand gifts” for the bride’s family to formally accept the marriage. These gifts may be largely ceremonial or may include money, especially in“nines,” i.e. 99 yuan, 999 yuan as nine symbolizes “forever.”

訂婚

在西方，新人通常會在訂婚禮上正式宣布婚訊，而且按照傳統，男士會給女士購買一枚訂婚戒指。而中國的訂婚好像不太一樣。大多數中國人，尤其是女生，是想在結婚前用訂婚的形式讓父母安心。

當你第一次見對方父母時，如果還不確定要不要結婚，就一定要謹慎用詞。有些家長會把“男朋友”或“女朋友”直接等同于已訂終身。而且如果他們認可你的話，你就會發現事情一下變得難以掌控。

彩禮

彩禮的習俗是指男方家庭為了讓女方父母同意這門親事而為其購買大禮。大禮的贈送大多儀式隆重，而且少不了禮金，數目尤喜多帶9，比如99元、999元，這是因為“九”有“長長久久”的寓意。

受邀來參加婚禮的親人和賓客們通常會送上現金隨禮，而且按慣例是裝在紅包里，當然也會有送其他禮物的。在某些情況下，參加喜宴的賓客們還會把隨禮交給新人的父母，相當于為宴會隨了份子。

建議

在許多國家和文化中，操辦婚禮存在諸多困難。新人父母和新人自己各有想法，因此在中國看到類似的情況也就不足為奇。外國人有時會感覺不知所措，因為中國婚禮中常會冒出他們意料之外的事情來。或許更重要的是，外國人無法理解某些言外之意，意識不到一些該盡的責任。

在最簡單的層面上，中國人婚后與父母的聯系要比外國人密切得多，他們會對父母盡贍養的義務。而且即便你不再住在中國，這種聯系和義務也并不會消失；你的中國“另一半”可能要給他或她的父母寄錢，父母年老時尤其如此。不僅如此，你還對另一半其他的家庭成員負有責任，這與西方傳統不一樣。跟眾多外國人所習慣的相比，中國人更愿意兩代或三代同堂，不過年輕一代也開始注重擁有更多個人空間。種情況。你可以與未婚妻共同商量婚禮的形式以及奢華程度，討論一下你認為合理的預算，試著能把這些意向提前確定下來。雖然不見得所有事情都能與計劃一致，但是想要什么樣的婚禮，新人們應當在這個問題上達成共識。

你也許會感到結婚的成本正在逐年攀升，遠超你的預期甚至超過你的經濟承受能力。造成這種現象的主要原因可能是大家都熱衷于結婚這件事。問題不總是那么容易解決，但最好的方式就是試著避免這

（摘自《英語世界》2018年第2期）

Family and guests invited to the wedding ceremony and reception will normally provide cash gifts,traditionally in a red envelope,though other gifts are sometimes given. In some instances, guests at the reception contribute to the cost of the reception with the money going to the parents.

Advice

In many countries and cultures there are difficulties in arranging weddings; parents of the couple and the couple themselves have different ideas. So it should be no surprise that the same can happen in PRC. The foreigner can sometimes feel bewildered by what is being planned.Perhaps more importantly, the foreigner does not realize some of the broader implications and commitments.

At the simplest level, the Chinese have a closer connection with their parents after marriage and have a responsibility for them. This will not be diminished if you do not live in PRC; your Chinese “other half” may want to send money, especially in the parent’s old age. There are also obligations to other family members which go beyond what a westerner is used to. There is also a greater desire for two or more generations to live together,than many westerners are used to,though the younger generations are beginning to value more personal space.

You might feel that the wedding costs are rising well beyond your expectations and even your means to pay. It is more likely that it is mostly enthusiasm that causes this to happen. It is not always easy to overcome, but the best way is to try and avoid the situation arising. Discuss the style and lavishness with your fiancée,discuss what you consider a reasonable budget and try to have these established well in advance.It won’t always go according to plan but the couple must have a common view of what they want.