2009年艾倫·德詹尼絲在杜蘭大學的演講：做真正的自己

By+Ellen+DeGeners

杜蘭大學成立于1834年，是一所歷史悠久的綜合性私立大學，享有“南部哈佛”之美譽。被稱為脫口秀女王的艾倫·德詹尼絲，其風趣自然的特點與生俱來，她在這篇“笑果”十足的演說中透露了自己艱辛的成長歷程，讓人備受鼓舞。她演講的核心正是杜蘭大學的校訓：Not for oneself， but for ones own（不為自己，只為內心）。

Thank you， President Cowan， Mrs. President Cowen； distinguished guests， undistinguished guests—you know who you are， honored faculty and creepy1 Spanish teacher.

And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009， I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and havent slept since Fat Tuesday， but you cant graduate till I finish， so listen up.2

When I was asked to make the commencement speech， I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant. Commencement： common， and cement3. Common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks， and if you step on a crack， you break your mothers back.4 So theres that. But Im honored that youve asked me here to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus—alumni—aluminum—alumis—you had to graduate from this school.5 And I didnt go to college here， and I dont know if President Cowan knows， I didnt go to any college at all. Any college. And Im not saying you wasted your time， or money， but look at me， Im a huge celebrity6.

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks， our mascot was the knockers.7 I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today？ Clearly not to steal.

Im here because of you. Because I cant think of a more tenacious8， more courageous graduating class. I mean， look at you all， wearing your robes9. Usually when youre wearing a robe at 10 in the morning， it means youve given up.10 Im here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here， I spent my formative years here， and like you， while I was living here I only did laundry six times.11

When I finished school， I was completely lost. And by school， I mean middle school， but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I really， I had no ambition， I didnt know what I wanted to do. I did everything from—I shucked oysters， I was a hostess， I was a bartender， I was a waitress， I painted houses， I sold vacuum cleaners， I had no idea.12 I didnt really have a plan， my point is that， by the time I was your age， I really thought I knew who I was， but I had no idea.

Anyway， I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life， and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe 19， and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident， and I didnt know it was her and I kept going， and I found out shortly after that， it was her.

And I was living in a basement apartment， I had no money， I had no heat， no air， I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas.13 And I was soul-searching14， I was like， why is she suddenly gone， and there are fleas here？ I dont understand， there must be a purpose， and wouldnt it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God， and ask these questions.

And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God， which was one-sided， and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself， and I hadnt even been doing stand-up15， ever， there was no club in town. I said， “Im gonna do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson”—at the time he was the king—“and Im gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.”16 And several years later， I was the first woman in the history of the show， and only woman in the history of the show to sit down， because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.

And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great， but it was hard， because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping， that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldnt like me， they would laugh at me.

Then my career turned into—I got my own sitcom17， and that was very successful， another level of success. And I thought， what if they find out Im gay， then theyll never watch， and this was a long time ago， this was when we just had white presidents—this was back， many years ago—and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame， and so much fear， that I just couldnt live that way anymore， and I decided to come out18 and make it creative.

And my character would come out at the same time， and it wasnt to make a political statement， it wasnt to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around， and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought， “Whats the worst that could happen？ I can lose my career”. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years， without even telling me， I read it in the paper. The phone didnt ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all.

Yet， I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide， but didnt， because of what I did. And I realized that I had a purpose. And it wasnt just about me and it wasnt about celebrity， but I felt like I was being punished... it was a bad time， I was angry， I was sad， and then I was offered a talkshow. And the people that offered me the talkshow tried to sell it. And most stations didnt want to pick it up. Most people didnt want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.

Really when I look back on it， I wouldnt change a thing. I mean， it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is， is to be true to yourself. Ultimately， thats whats gotten me to this place. I dont live in fear， Im free， I have no secrets. And I know Ill always be ok， because no matter what， I know who I am.

So in conclusion， when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up， I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world， drive nice cars， I want to have groupies19.

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow， youll realize the definition of success changes.

For many of you， today， success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.20 For me， the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity， and not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that youre not.21 To live your life as an honest and compassionate person； to contribute in some way.

So to conclude my conclusion： follow your passion， stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone elses path， unless youre in the woods and youre lost and you see a path， and by all means you should follow that. Dont give advice， it will come back and bite you in the ass22. Dont take anyones advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future， but theres no need to worry. The economy is booming23， the job market is wide open， the planet is just fine. Its gonna be great. Youve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you？ And as I mentioned before， some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview， like， “Is it above sea level？”

So to conclude my conclusion that Ive previously concluded， in the common cement speech， I guess what Im trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras24. But instead of showing your boobs， show people your brain， and if they like what they see， youll have more beads than you know what to do with.25 And youll be drunk， most of the time.

So the Tulane class of 2009， I say congratulations and if you dont remember a thing I said today， remember this： youre gonna be ok， just dance.

1. creepy： 使人緊張的，令人毛骨悚然的。

2. hungover： 宿醉的；splitting： 爆裂似的，劇烈的；Fat Tuesday： 油膩星期二，此處指畢業(yè)前的狂歡。在基督徒的世界里，從復活節(jié)前第七個星期三（圣灰星期三）起，到復活節(jié)前夕的40天是封齋期。圣灰星期三的前一天是油膩星期二，也就是最后狂歡的機會。

3. cement： 水泥。

4. 人行道上有裂縫，如果踩到了裂縫，媽媽的背就會折斷。這是一個迷信說法，指腳踩地縫就會招來厄運。crack： 裂縫。

5. alumnus： 男校友；alumni： 校友；aluminum： 鋁；alumis： 作者亂造的詞。因為“校友”一詞容易拼錯，所以這里作者為了搞笑故意說了一連串類似的單詞。

6. celebrity： 名人。

7. 但我確實是從“磨難大學”畢業(yè)的，我們的吉祥物就是種種磨難和挫折。hard knocks： 不幸，挫折；mascot： 吉祥物；knocker：敲擊者，吹毛求疵的人。

8. tenacious： 頑強的，堅韌的。

9. robe： 長袍，指畢業(yè)禮服。下一句里robe指的是浴衣，睡袍。

10. 通常來說，你如果早上10點鐘還穿著睡袍，那么意味著你已經放棄人生了。這里作者巧妙運用了robe的一詞兩意。

11. formative： 影響（事物或性格）形成的，塑造性的；laundry：待洗的衣服。

12. shuck： 剝殼；oyster： 牡蠣，蠔；bartender： 酒吧服務員；vacuum cleaner： 吸塵器。

13. be infested with：（害蟲等）多得成災；flea： 跳蚤。

14. soul-search： 反省，捫心自問。

15. stand-up： 單人滑稽表演，單口相聲。

16. 我說，我將要在《今夜秀》上和約翰尼·卡森一起表演這一段。他當時是主持界天王，我將成為該節(jié)目史上第一個被邀請坐下來接受訪談的女性。Johnny Carson： 約翰尼·卡森（1925—2005），美國著名節(jié)目主持人，曾主持美國國家廣播公司（NBC）深夜時段著名脫口秀節(jié)目《今夜秀》Tonight Show。

17. sitcom： 情景喜劇，（廣播、電視的）系列幽默劇。

18. come out： 透露，這里指出柜，即同性戀者公開自己的性取向。下一句中的come out 是展露的意思。

19. groupie： 狂熱的追星族（尤指仰慕并追隨偶像到處跑的少女）。

20. hold down： 不讓（吃下的食物）嘔出；shot： 一小杯；tequila： 龍舌蘭酒。

21. integrity： 誠實，正直；peer：同輩，同齡人。

22. bite in the ass： 招來麻煩，自食其果。

23. boom： 迅速增長，蓬勃發(fā)展。

24. Mardi Gras： 與注釋2的“油膩星期二（Fat Tuesday）”同義，俗稱狂歡節(jié)或嘉年華。

25. boob： 乳房；bead：（空心）小珠子，復數指珠子項鏈，這里指金銀珠寶，財富。