HOW TO BE A Maker

BY SUN JIAHUI(孫佳慧)

HOW TO BE A Maker

BY SUN JIAHUI(孫佳慧)

From misunderstandings to couple’s quarrels, help restore harmony to any situation

想要當(dāng)好和事佬可不是一件容易的事兒

Chinese culture places a premium on the concept of“peace.” Throughout history, the refrain that “peace is most precious” (以和為貴yǐ hé wéi guì) has prevailed. For family affairs, we have the phrase 家和萬(wàn)事興 (jiā hé wànshì xīng, a peaceful family leads to the success of all things); for business, it’s said that 和氣生財(cái) (héqì shēng cái, amiability breeds riches).

However, where there are humans, there are conflicts. Even the happiest couple, closest friends, or most faithful partners will quarrel with each other at some point. At this time, a peacemaker might be necessary. But it’s not an easy role to play. Before you throw yourself into the middle of the battlefield, make sure you’re well prepared with the following phrases.

Many conflicts actually result from misunderstanding. A Chinese idiom says that “a bystander is always clearminded” (旁觀者清 pángguānzhě qīng). As a third party who can see both sides’points of view, peacemakers can try to fix the problem by explaining the situation. In most cases, they don’t need to focus on what has already happened; instead, they emphasize intentions.

He has a sharp tongue [lit. “l(fā)ike a knife”] but a soft heart [like tofu]. Don’t take his words seriously.

Tā zhège rén dāozi zuǐ dòufu xīn, shuō de huà nǐ bié wǎng xīnli qù.

他這個(gè)人刀子嘴豆腐心，說(shuō)的話你別往心里去。

Although he screwed it up, he meant well. I can guarantee he didn’t do that on purpose.

Tā zhè yěshì hǎoxīn bàn huàishì. Wǒ gǎn dǎ bǎopiào tā bú shì gùyì de.

他這也是好心辦壞事，我敢打保票他不是故意的。

WHEN A FIGHT IS A FIGHT, PERHAPS CREATE A DISTRACTION

What he said was obviously spoken in anger. Actually, he doesn’t mean that at all.

Tā shuō de míngxiǎn dōushì qìhuà, shíjì shang bìng bú shì nàge yìsi.

他說(shuō)的明顯都是氣話，實(shí)際上并不是那個(gè)意思。

But defending one side in a dispute can be tricky. Sometimes you will make one person feel that you stand with the other, and thus you become“the enemy” as well—the peacemaker inadvertently ends up becoming a troublemaker. This is particularly risky when it comes to family affairs or romantic relationships, which are usually too private for an outsider to intervene in. In such a situation, a peacemaker should avoid deciding who is right and who is wrong. Instead, their task is to downplay the conflict so it ends naturally. In these cases, some old sayings can help.

First, make it clear that you are completely impartial:

This is just a case of “everyone has their own way of saying things.” Neither of you is wrong.

Zhè jiàn shì zhēnshi “Gōng shuō gōng yǒulǐ, pó shuō pó yǒulǐ”, Nǐmenliǎ dōu méi cuò.

這件事真是“公說(shuō)公有理，婆說(shuō)婆有理”，你們倆都沒(méi)錯(cuò)。

Then make them feel that it’s no big deal to have a fight:

Even your tongue sometimes fights with your teeth. Is there any couple who doesn’t quarrel?

Shétou hé yáchǐ hái dǎjià ne, guò rìzi nǎ yǒu bù chǎojià de?

舌頭和牙齒還打架呢，過(guò)日子哪有不吵架的？

Then, tell them that their problem is not worth blaming each other over:

Every family has a skeleton in the closet. Your problem is really not a big deal.

Jiā jiā dōu yǒu běn nán niàn de jīng. Nǐmen zhèxiē wèntí zhēnde méi shénme dàbùliǎo de.

家家都有本難念的經(jīng)。你們這些問(wèn)題真的沒(méi)什么大不了的。

After the both sides cool down, urge them to patch it up right then, so things don’t turn into a “cold war”later, in which nobody talks to the other side and resentment festers:

How can there be resentment between family members for more than one night? Why not make it up now?

Yì jiā rén nǎ yǒu géyè chóu? Kuài héhǎo ba.

一家人哪有隔夜仇？快和好吧。

Of course, not everything can be skated over so easily. In many cases, a fight is a fight; there’s no misunderstanding, no room to compromise, and the interested parties won’t let go easily. Then, what can you do? Perhaps create a distraction. After all, there is always something more important, which provides a reasonfor people to put down their personal emotions. This strategy is especially useful in the workplace.

We should give priority to overall interests and finish the task first. Put aside these personal grudges for the moment.

Wǒmen yīnggāi yǐ dàjú wéi zhòng, xiān bǎ xiàngmù wánchéng, sīrén ēnyuàn zànshí fàng dào yìbiān.

我們應(yīng)該以大局為重，先把項(xiàng)目完成，私人恩怨暫時(shí)放到一邊。

It’s not the right time to find out who was at fault. Our primary task now is to fix the problem our client raised.

Xiànzài bú shì zhuījiū zérèn de shíhou, wǒmen de shǒuyào rènwù shì jiějué kèhù tíchū de wèntí.

現(xiàn)在不是追究責(zé)任的時(shí)候，我們的首要任務(wù)是解決客戶提出的問(wèn)題。

After successfully distracting the antagonists, seize the opportunity afterward to call a truce. If possible, make them promise to never look back on this unhappy event again!

This matter ends here. No one is allowed to mention it again.

Zhè jiàn shì dào cǐ wéi zhǐ, yǐhòu shéi dōu bùxǔ zài tí.

這件事到此為止，以后誰(shuí)都不許再提。

It’s time for you guys to bury the hatchet.

Guòqù de bù yúkuài jiù yì bǐ gōuxiāo ba.

過(guò)去的不愉快就一筆勾銷(xiāo)吧。

For my sake, let the past go.

Kàn zài wǒ de miànzi shang, guòqù de shì jiù ràng ta guòqu ba.

看在我的面子上，過(guò)去的事就讓它過(guò)去吧。

Sometimes, instead of the full picture, you only have one side of the story. A different strategy is required. One can first choose to deploy a mix of sympathy (“I’m on your side”) and flattery (“Lucky you’re not one to hold a grudge”).

“HE WHO TIES THE BELL ON THE TIGER MUST BE THE ONE TO UNTIE IT”

Don’t lower yourself to their level.

Bié gēn tāmen yìbān jiànshi.

別跟他們一般見(jiàn)識(shí)。

It’s said “A chancellor’s mind [lit.‘stomach’] is broad enough to punt a boat.” It’s his fault, but you’re a bigger person, so don’t argue.

Súhuà shuō: “Zǎixiàng dùli néng chēngchuán”. Zhè jiàn shì shì tā bú duì, dàn nǐ dàrén yǒu dàliàng, bié hé tā jìjiào le.

俗話說(shuō)：“宰相肚里能撐船”，這件事是他不對(duì)，但你大人有大量，別和他計(jì)較了。

The second method is just the opposite—point out if someone really is to blame, and urge them to fix it voluntarily. You can start by saying:

I‘m not judging you, but you really were asking for trouble. You can’t blame others.

Bú shì wǒ shuō nǐ, zhè jiàn shì quèshí shì nǐ méi shì zhǎo shì, bùnéng guài biérén.

不是我說(shuō)你，這件事確實(shí)是你沒(méi)事找事, 不能怪別人。

Your words were too harsh, no wonder she was so mad at you.

Nǐ shuō de huà yě tài nántīng le, nánguài tā gēn nǐ shēngqì.

你說(shuō)的話也太難聽(tīng)了，難怪她跟你生氣。

Of course, it’s not your job to make the peace between others. As the saying goes 解鈴還須系鈴人 (jiě líng hái xū jì líng rén, colloquially “he who ties the bell on the tiger must be the one to untie it”), suggesting that whoever started the problem should solve it: President Xi Jinping used this phrase when referring to dif ficulties experienced by New York Times reporters in China.

If you’ve done your best, feel free to flee the premises with this all-purpose exit line:

You guys should calm down for a bit. We can talk about the rest some other day.

Nǐmen xiān lěngjìng yíxià, shèngxià de wǒmen gǎitiān zài tán.

你們先冷靜一下，剩下的我們改天再談。