優秀恐懼癥

文◎Bogota 繪◎馬豆子

I was the best student in my high school. I put so much pressure on myself. I never failed a class. But I got sick during 10th grade and I started to fall behind①. That's when the panic attacks②began. One day the teacher handed me my grade report,and I couldn't breathe. My heart was beating very fast. I felt disconnected. I saw people trying to talk to me but I couldn't hear them. Eventually I passed out and woke up in the infirmary③.The attacks were almost daily after that. Last year I started college. And I can't be the best student here no matter how④hard I try. Everyone is so talented⑤. My panic attacks got so bad that I had to cancel my first semester. But now I'm working on acknowledging⑥my anxiety. I used to try to hide it. I would log off⑦social media. I wouldn't answer calls. I thought that if nobody knew, it didn't exist. But the more I talk about my problem, the more I realize that other people experience similar things. So I'm trying to express it more. I had a great teacher who told me: "Instead of letting anxiety keep you from doing your art, let it be the thing that motivates⑧your art."

我曾是我們高中最好的學生。我給自己施加很大的壓力，從沒掛過任何一科。但我在十年級的時候生了病，然后就開始落后了，那時我的恐懼癥開始了。一天，老師遞給我我的成績單，我都無法呼吸了，心跳得特別快。我蒙了，我看到有人試著跟我說話，但我聽不見。最后我昏倒了，在醫務室里醒來。從那之后，恐懼癥幾乎每天都會發作。去年，我開始上大學了。無論多么努力，我都不能成為這里最好的學生，每個人都那么有才華。我的恐懼癥變得很嚴重，以至于我第一個學期不得不休學，但現在我正在努力承認我的憂慮。我曾經試圖掩飾它，我會注銷社交媒體，不接電話。我曾想，如果沒人知道，那它就不存在。但是我越是談及我的問題，就越發意識到其他人也經歷著類似的事情，所以我試著更多地表達自己。我有一位偉大的老師，他告訴我說：“與其讓憂慮阻止你成就你的藝術，不如讓它成為激發你的藝術的東西。”

①fall behind 拖欠；落在后面

②panic attacks 突如其來的一陣驚恐

③ inf i rmary 英 [?n'f??m(?)r?] 美 [?n'f?m?ri]n. 醫務室；醫院；養老院

④no matter how 無論多么

⑤ talented 英 ['t?l?nt?d] 美 ['t?l?nt?d]adj. 有才能的；多才的

⑥ acknowledge 英 [?k'n?l?d?] 美 [?k'nɑl?d?]vt. 承認；答謝；報償；告知已收到

⑦log off 注銷；斷線，退出系統

⑧ motivate 英 ['m??t?ve?t] 美 ['mot?'vet]vt. 刺激；使有動機；激發……的積極性