我和自己有個約會

繪◎馬豆子

我跟自己去約會：我獨自看電影，獨自在博物館閑逛，獨自吃飯。我坐在咖啡館里，獨自寫著日志。我一個人乘火車，前往從未去過的城鎮，然后獨自在那里四處走走。

我意識到也許這聽起來超級蠢。你很可能會想，我肯定十分怪異、非常寂寞。有趣的是，我在開始獨自生活前是更加孤獨的。那種就像我需要一直跟別人待在一起才能做深呼吸的感覺，是孤獨。但現在這種場景呢？這是平靜，是趣味，是構建自信心的基礎。以下是我學會獨處的方法：

I take myself on dates. I go to the movies alone.I wander museums alone. I eat meals alone. I sit in coffee shops and write a diary alone. I take the train and go to new towns and walk around alone.

I realize this may sound super dorky. You may probably thinking that I must be pretty strange and very lonely. Interestingly enough, I was more lonely before I started spending time alone. The feeling like I needed to be around people all the time to take a deep breath—that was loneliness.But this is peace. This is fun. This is what self-esteem①is built of. Here's how I learned to spend time alone:

⒈I just did it. And let go of trying to look "cool"

⒉Make a list of your favorite things. And don't wait for anyone．

⒊ Schedule②It.

It's hard for some people to believe that I am choosing not to date, and I often get strange looks and confused grunts from my old aunt and college friends alike. Why would someone voluntarily choose to stay single? To spend time alone?

I'm not the slightest bit embarrassed to say out loud that I've been dating myself and it's been the most nurturing,sustainable③, and non-anxiety inducing relationship I've ever had. I'm kind and patient and gentle and loving and forgiving of myself. I am strong and brave. That's the kind of person l want to be with and the type of relationship I hope to be in.

l know now that I'm not going into the relationship as a half, I'm going in as a whole. So whether it works out or doesn't work out, deep down, I haven't lost anything. I'm still me. I'm still complete. I still have the friendship I've built with the me that I've grown to know and love over the past 23 years. That's the greatest relief I've ever known．

⒈我只是一個人獨處，并不去想怎么做才能看起來酷。

⒉列出你最愛的事物，不要等別人跟你一起去踐行。

⒊將它列入日程表。

有些人很難相信我選擇不去約會，大姨和大學同學們老是對我投以怪異的眼神和不解的咕噥。為什么會有人愿意保持單身？愿意獨自一人消磨時光？

大聲說出我正和自己約會，一點也不讓我尷尬，而且它是我經歷的所有關系中最滋養人、最持久也最不會引發焦慮的。我對自己友善、耐心、溫柔、友愛并且寬容。我強大而勇敢。這便是我想要的對象，也是我希望同他建立起的戀愛關系。

我現在知道了，我不會在戀愛關系中有所保留，而會是全身心地投入。因此無論這段關系是否有好的結果，在內心深處我都沒有任何損失。我仍然是我自己，我仍然完好無損，我同自己建立起的友誼依舊存在，那便是我在過去23年中漸漸了解并愛上的。這是我所知的最大欣慰。

① self-esteem 英 [self ?'sti:m] 美 [?s?lf??stim]n. 自尊；自負；自大

② schedule 英 [??edju:l] 美 [?sked??l; sk?d??l]vt. 安排，計劃；將……列入計劃表

③ sustainable 英 [s?'ste?n?b(?)l] 美 [s?'sten?bl]adj. 可以忍受的；足可支撐的；養得起的；可持續的