China for Dummies

By Zhai Hua,[France]Da En

China for Dummies

By Zhai Hua,[France]Da En

A lways be ready for the most impressive and frightening of culture shocks.In the end, though,you will realize that,each and every shock is endurable,understandable,worthrememberingandeven adorable.

◆Before coming to China,it would be best to take some physical training classes and work on your balance.The martial art of balance will come in great use whilst waiting in queues and also when boarding and alighting vehicles in China.

◆You will find yourself much more welcomed by learning two simple Chinesephrases.First,“I'mfrom such-and-suchplace”andsecond“I make so-and-so amount of money."

◆Attentively try to get a grasp of Chinese manners.If a Chinese person invites you out for dinner,reciprocate with another dinner invitation at a restaurant not lower in level than the one you were invited to.When somebody uses two hands to pass something to you,take the object,likewise,with two hands.Decline(at least once)whenpassing through a doorway if a Chinese person tries to let you go first,and it would be best if you lightly pushed the other party allowing them to go first;showing that you do,in fact,have some sense of self-awareness and know how to give others some face.

◆Patience,patience,patience;treat patience like a philosophy that you are learning.Remembering that you are not at home any longer,but in an ancient state of philosophy.

◆Before coming to the mainland of China,you would be best to spend some easy going time in Hong Kong;the people there not only have shortcomings of the Chinese but also have their share of Western shortcomings as well.

◆Carry earbuds,for when you're stuck at a hotel that does karaoke.Alternatively,take the initiative and bring your ownsound source,like a Walkman.Fight noise with noise.

◆Remember prostitution is illegal.You don't want to pay a"service fee"and a fine afterwards.

◆If you don't want to enjoy passive smoking while taking a bus,you have two options.If it happens in winter days, open the windows and let the cool air blow in.If the smoker next to you asksyou to close the window,you can ask them to put out their cigarette.If it's in summer,grab a fan and start fanning the smoke towards an empty space.The other passengers will enjoy this and the smoker may start to feel awkward.

◆Before coming to China,leave all animal rights groups.Don't be puzzled about what's on your dinner plate,just worry about whether it tastes good or not.If it doesn't taste good,be sure to say so,this way you'll avoid having to eat it ever again.

◆Attending banquets is a common part of doing business.There is no room for discussing business during banquets.Eating is a very serious matter;multitasking is out of the question.

◆Restaurants are places for making friends.If for some reason you want to make an enemy of someone,all you need to say is that the food is foul.

◆China's population density is high. Physical contact with others is unavoidable.Especially,attimes,between friends and colleagues,be it a handshake,a pat on the shoulder,a slap on the back or butt.These are all friendly gestures.Women are,of course,the exception,there shouldn't be direct contact between men and women apart from handshake.

◆Don't be generous too casually.Some Chinese do like it when you tip,others see it as a great humiliation and disgrace.

◆Always smile while bargaining.

◆If someone calls you a foreigner,"lao wai,"you can just call them a‘local’back;"xiao nei"for young people or "lao nei"for older people.The results are incredible.◆You definitely need to learn a few everyday phrases before leaving for China. It's not that difficult.Upon arrival you will realize that it is the biggest return that you will ever receive on any investment ever.

◆When talking about your own country,be discerning and humble.When talking about China,be mannerly and polite.For instance,saying something like“there are no perfect countries in the world”is a lot better than saying“compared to France,China is just not that developed.”

◆With a crowd of onlookers you need to beat them at their own game.Take the joke and make it real.If you’re going to put on a show then make sure that you really put it on.Once you've moved back home these opportunities will have all gone.

◆If you're a French entrepreneur feeling hopeless about theFrencheconomy, come to Asia.Come to China.You might not become rich overnight but you will find out what vitality and vigor really means.A benefit for a lifetime.

◆If you're a French politician tired of preaching and bewitching.Please,come to Asia,come to China and have a look. You might even gain a new notion of what it means to run a country.

◆If you are a missionary,please go to India instead.

◆If you bought cheap counterfeit products,do not be quick to get upset.Think of the words of Confucius:“Those who want to establish themselves in society should begin by helping others to do so; those who want to be prosperous should help others to get rich first.”

◆Clothes make the person.Don't just wear shorts and a t-shirt to go on vacation.Look at the Chinese,they wear suits to go sightseeing.

(From1.2 Billion Martians,60 Million Turkeys,China Film Press.Translation: Sam Bowden.Illustration:Xin Gang)