你真的會道歉嗎？

By+Berna+Anat++周佳

誰都不可避免地會有做錯事而需要向別人道歉的時候。然而，道歉不僅僅是一句簡單的“對不起”就可以完成的，它其實是一門學問與藝術。讀罷此文，試著捫心自問：我真的會道歉嗎？

A good apology can help you skip over the messiest drama， bringing your relationship back to a happy place faster. "An effective apology doesn't just heal the wound for the other person，" says Guy Winch， psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid. "It'll remove your guilt too." On the flip side1）， a bad apology can ruin a friendship even faster than total silence， meaning： You've got to seize your chance to say "sorry" and get it right.

So how do you make a sincere apology without messing it up？ Experts have actually studied what makes an "I'm sorry" statement fly2） or flop3）. Read the following part to test your sorry skills—then learn how to construct4） your own perfect apology to patch things up5）.

誠摯的道歉能幫你避開最棘手的鬧劇，使你們的關系更快地恢復到和諧的狀態。“一個有效的道歉不僅可以治愈對方的傷口，”《情感急救》一書的作者、心理學家蓋伊·溫奇說，“它還能消除你的內疚感。”反之，不當的道歉比完全保持沉默還能更快地毀掉一段友情，這也就意味著：你必須抓住道歉的機會，并且要正確道歉。

那你怎樣才能做出誠摯的道歉而不把事情搞砸呢？實際上，專家們已經研究過什么因素會使一句“對不起”奏效或是搞砸。閱讀下面的部分來測一測你會不會道歉，然后學習一下如何構思你自己的完美道歉，從而使你們和好如初。

Test Your Sorry Talent 測一測你會不會道歉

The Apology： You're crazy late for band practice， so you rush up to your conductor6）： "Sorry！ I was planning to be here early， but it's raining， so the train wasn't on time." You want to back up your lateness with facts—he needs to know it's not your fault！

Does it fly or flop？

Flop！ Yup， it's a total fail. "This is about you， when it should be about the person you hurt，" Winch says.

Fix it！ Don't make excuses！ Say what you should have done differently and how your mistake affected the other person： "I know my lateness kept you waiting and probably frustrated you too. Next time， I'll leave earlier."

道歉場景：你參加樂隊排練遲到了，而且晚得離譜，于是你沖到你們指揮面前說：“對不起！我本來打算早點到這兒的，但卻下雨了，所以火車就沒能準點到站。”你想用事實來證明自己為什么遲到——他需要知道這不是你的錯！

這樣的道歉管不管用？

不管用！沒錯，這樣的道歉完全不行。“它是圍繞著你自己展開的，而在這種情形下，道歉應圍繞著被你傷害的那一方展開。”溫奇說。

如何補救？不要找借口！說出你原本應該如何以另一種方式來做這件事，以及你的錯誤如何影響到了對方：“我知道因為我遲到讓您久等了，可能還令您十分懊惱。下次我會再早一點出門的。”

The Apology： You're with your crew when you start playing a joke on one of them. Everyone thinks you're hilarious7）—except that friend. Later， you pull him aside and say， "Hey， I'm sorry， but it's no big deal. And c'mon， everyone laughed at the joke—not at you！"

Does it fly or flop？

Flop！ Winch says this apology is only half-baked： "There's a violation of loyalty that you didn't address."

Fix it！ Your friend has to hear that you acknowledge his pain and respect his feelings： "I can imagine that you felt betrayed. I don't want to make you feel that way， and I promise I won't do it again. Will you please forgive me？"

道歉場景：你和一幫朋友在一起，這時你開起了其中一個朋友的玩笑。每個人都覺得你很搞笑，除了被你開玩笑的那個朋友。過了一會兒，你把他拉到一邊說：“嘿，對不起啊，不過這也沒什么大不了的吧。別生氣了，大家笑的是這個玩笑，不是笑你啦！”

這樣的道歉管不管用？

不管用！溫奇說這樣的道歉是半生不熟的：“你這么做違背了朋友之間的忠誠，而你卻沒有設法解決這個問題。”

如何補救？你的朋友必須聽到你親口承認他的痛苦以及你是尊重他的感受的。“我能想象你有一種被出賣了的感覺。我不想讓你有那種感覺，我保證我下次不會再這么做了。請原諒我好嗎？”

The Apology： You lost track of time on Friday night. When your dad catches you sneaking in， you say： "I'm sorry that I missed my curfew8）. I know I'm wrong， and I understand if I can't go out again until I've regained your trust."

Does it fly or flop？

Fly！ This apology works because you point out exactly where you had a small mistake. "It's important to acknowledge that you're apologizing because you knew a rule but broke it anyway，" explains Winch. （Without that， you're really only apologizing for getting caught， which sounds shady9）！） You're also expressing that you've learned from your mistakes—an admission10） your dad can take as proof that you're mature enough to be trusted again.

道歉場景：周五晚上你玩得忘了時間。當你偷偷溜進門卻被爸爸逮了個正著時，你說：“對不起，我沒按規定時間回家。我知道自己錯了，而且如果我在重新獲得您的信任之前都不能再出去玩，我也可以理解。”

這樣的道歉管不管用？

管用！這樣的道歉是有效的，因為你準確地指出了你在哪里犯了一個小錯。“你道歉是因為自己明明知道有一條規定但還是違反了這條規定，承認這一點很重要。”溫奇解釋說。（如果不這樣做的話，那你實際上只是因為被抓了個正著而道歉，這聽起來就有點不誠懇！）你同時還表達了你已經從自己的錯誤中得到了教訓——你爸爸可以把你的承認當做是一種證明，它證明你已經足夠成熟，值得他再次信任。

假如你犯錯了……

A sincere "Sorry！" is a tricky deal—but these tips will get it done right.

Do

1. Apologize as soon as possible in person. Texts can come off as harsh11） and sarcastic12）. For an apology to sound sincere， you need to talk face-to-face.

2. Watch your body language. Make eye contact， put your phone down and keep your arms uncrossed. These signals will show you take the apology seriously.

3. Have a post-apology check-in. At the end of your conversation， ask if there's anything else you can say or do. It shows how much you want to rebuild trust.

Don't

1. Don't be defensive. When you say， "Sorry， but [insert excuse here]，" you're not taking responsibility， says Jennifer Thomas， co-author of When Sorry Isn't Enough.

2. Don't forget to actually ask： "Will you please forgive me？" You may think it's implied， but no apology is complete without these magic words.

3. Don't apologize just to make peace. If you truly don't feel you have any fault， don't apologize. Apologies lose their power if they aren't genuinely given！

真誠的道歉是一件需要謹慎對待的事情，不過以下這些小竅門將幫你把這件事搞定。

請這樣做

1. 盡快當面道歉。文字會顯得無情而諷刺。如果想讓道歉聽起來真誠，你需要面對面地去溝通。

2. 注意你的肢體語言。進行眼神交流，放下你的電話，不要雙臂交叉。這些信號將表明你對這次道歉是認真的。

3. 道歉后不忘再次過問。在你們的對話結束時，問一下對方還有沒有什么是你能說或是能做的。這表明你是多么想要重建信任。

請不要這樣做

1. 不要擺出一副防御姿態。當你說“對不起，不過[此處插入借口]”時，你是在逃避責任，《當道歉還不夠》一書的作者之一珍妮弗·托馬斯說。

2. 不要忘記實實在在地問一句：“請原諒我好嗎？”你也許覺得這句話不言而喻，但如果不說出這幾個神奇的字，任何一個道歉都是不完整的。

3. 不要只是為了和解而道歉。如果你真心不覺得自己有任何錯誤，那就不要道歉。道歉如果不是真心實意而為，就失去了力量！