遠近親疏，人間冷暖

By Aaron A. Vessup

The Greatest Gifts

在不同的國家和民族，人際交往距離是由文化決定的。中國傳統觀念中的人際關系較為緊密，是典型的“集體主義”；而在類似美國這樣的西方國家，個體的觀念則更強，人際相對疏遠。但就現代社會總體而言，人與人之間的疏離感卻越來越強，個體也因此變得更孤單。花時間與珍惜的人在一起，無論是家人或是朋友，都是長情的付出，也是珍貴的收獲。

“Wow！ This place looks like a museum！ Do you really live here？ So many interesting things！”

“You sure must love to collect things， are these from China？”

Whenever Chinese guests first step into my home the above comments are frequent and most common. While many people in China are curious about how foreigners live， often this same curiosity extends to interest in how outsiders cope and survive in a new country.1 I can say that Chinese tend to be most hospitable2 and welcoming. I also must say that having also received a wide range of keepsakes has influenced my sense of gratitude immensely.3

As an American teacher it is rare， and almost unheard of for students to give gifts to teachers. In fact the notion of accepting gifts runs contrary to most public schoolboard policies.4 However， there can be and are exceptions. Our high school sports team established a tradition of giving a yearly trophy5 to the coach whom we all loved. At an eastern university where I taught， one of my students gave me a special large wooden salad bowl with accessories， for coaching her to a regional and national public speaking championship.6 In all my 30 years of teaching in the United States， I have seldom been invited to the homes of my students. On the other hand， however， my classes have been recommended to family members. This personal acceptance has even included teaching parents， and Adult Education returning students who were related. These students enrolled in7 my classes based upon recommendations. I have also been invited to attend a few special family celebrations in the USA. Such invitations were mainly from my foreign students.

In China， the giving of gifts， home visit invitations， and invitation to special celebrations is a common， albeit an unusual experience for most foreigners.8 In my home in China there are plaques， paintings， poetry scrolls， statues， teapots，9 and many bottles of Chinese wines. I have， unfortunately， misplaced the special handmade shoes given to me， a sample product from one of my students hometown.10 What I appreciate and remember most， however， is the willingness of families in China to open their hearts and homes unabashedly， without reservations.11 This simply is not the “American Way”， but it is the Chinese Way. Spending time eating and chatting， or simply sipping12 tea in quiet gratitude toward each other， is a most precious gift to receive. Few things can surpass13 the joys of being together. As Confucius （“Kongzi”） is credited for saying， “You peng zi yuan fang lai， bu yi yue hu？”14 Is it not great when friends meet？

The inherent values15 from sharing time and space was made apparent in my early student years. A part-time job in a custodial Rest Home for senior citizens left a deep impression on me.16

“Did my son call yet？”

“Is this the day for my daughter to visit me？”

“No， Mrs. Anderson…”

“Im sorry Mr. Smith， there is no one here to see you today.”

These were regular dialogues between the patient-residents17， workers and volunteer helpers. I was a temporary staff member in the Golden Sunset home for the aging.18 It was quite sad to see gloom19， loneliness， and despair spread among the residents who found it difficult to hide their unhappiness. In fact， even worse was the abuse against the elderly whose frequent complaints became intolerably annoying.20 Sad to say， some custodial staff workers would lock away seniors in closed toilets and lavatories for long time periods.21 These workers pretended forgetting their duties and immediate responsibilities. Other occasions punishing residents were proceeded with verbal threats， followed by repeated strap lashes with belts or other hard objects.22 You could hear the beatings and crying. Working in such places made it clear that positive personal attention was a premium for people cast aside by family members.23 Obviously one consequence of a fast-paced society is the chronic24 lack of time. Very few people have time to spend with people whom they claim to care about deeply.

Chinese people are well known for generously responding to emergencies. Several natural disasters have happened and thousands of Chinese have volunteered days， weeks， and months of their precious time. In the U.S.， there are free temporary homeless shelters， food kitchens， legal aid offices，25 and hospital and health clinics supported with volunteers.

Even in China， more and more organizations are coming into being for the purposes of meeting the needs of human person-to-person contact. The “China Youth Volunteers” and the “Our Free Sky” （OFS） volunteer organization are just a few of many examples. A few days ago I attended an English Salon26 in the city run by locals in the community. I was squeezing out a few hours， which I really felt guilty over， in response to an invitation by an elderly Chinese man I had met on the bus.27 At this meeting in Beijing were people of all ages trying to learn and raise their English proficiency levels28. College students， and grandparents. The youngest was a little girl of seven years old， and the oldest was a man who was 87. Both of these individuals could speak English quite well. The host of the salon was， Mr. Gallee， a Chinese volunteer. He has been with the group since its formation two years before the Beijing Olympic Games.

I must say that I was happy to meet with this group and look forward to future meetings. Giving the gift of time is something very special in China. Sometimes giving time may involve sacrifices. However， it is important that we take time to know one another. We all need one another. The Confucian concept of filial piety29 must not stop with family relationships. Sharing time is actually a good way to help us all accept and appreciate our differences. This activity itself is part of the life-long process toward self-improvement. There is no greater emergency or crisis than to not face the unknown neighbor closest to us. We can start with a smile. We can continue with a willing to share our time.

1. 在中國，許多人對外國人的生活很好奇，這種好奇心還延伸到這群外鄉人怎么在新的國家里應對和存活。extend to： 延伸至，擴至；outsider： 外人，局外人；cope： 應對。

2. hospitable： 熱情友好的。

3. a wide range of： 許多的，各種的；keepsake： 紀念品，贈品；sense of gratitude： 感激之情；immensely： 極大地。

4. notion： 概念；run contrary to： 違反；schoolboard： 教育委員會，學校董事會。

5. trophy： 獎杯。

6. 我曾在東部的一所大學教書，我的一個學生為了感謝我指導她獲得地區和全國的公開演講冠軍，送給我一個很特別的木制沙拉大碗，上面還帶著裝飾。wooden： 木質的；accessory： 裝飾品。

7. enroll in： 就讀于。

8. 在中國，送禮物、請客上門或參加特殊的慶祝活動是尋常的事，雖然這對大多數外國人而言是不常有的經歷。albeit： 雖然，即使。

9. plaque： 匾，飾板；poetry scroll： 詩卷軸；teapot： 茶壺。

10. misplace： 忘記把……放在什么地方；sample product： 標志性產品，特產。

11. unabashedly： 不怕羞地；without reservation： 毫無保留地。

12. sip： 小口地喝。

13. surpass： 超過。

14. 孔子曾曰：“有朋自遠方來，不亦樂乎？”be credited for： 被贊頌。

15. inherent value： 內在價值。

16. custodial： 照管的；rest home： 養老院；senior citizen： 老年人。

17. patient-resident： 住院病人。

18. temporary staff member： 臨時工；the aging： 老年人。

19. gloom： 憂郁。

20. abuse： 虐待；intolerably： 無法容忍地。

21. lock away： 將……鎖起； lavatory： 盥洗室。

22. be proceeded with： 以……進行；verbal threat： 言語威脅； strap lash： 鞭打。

23. premium： 獎品；cast aside： 拋棄。

24. chronic： 長期的。

25. shelter： 避難所，收容所；legal aid： 法律援助。

26. English Salon： 英語沙龍。

27. 這是受一位我在公車上遇到的老者之邀，但我只能擠出幾個小時來參加，對此我深感愧疚。squeeze out： 擠出。

28. proficiency level： 熟練程度。

29. filial piety： 孝道。