Everyone Would Have a Helpless Time 誰都有一段看似“無路可走”的時光

At five feet， three inches tall and wellunder a hundred pounds， I boked at myse if in the mirro rand thought，“How did l get to be such a pig？”

When I sta rted college the stress began to take its tolI and I started overeating. By the beginning of my sophomore year， lweighed in at 150 pounds. I couldn't be lieve my eyes when I stepped on the sca le at the doctor's office for my yearlt checkup. I had gained forty-five. pounds in one year.

I was so depressed. I was back home for the ho lidays. B etw een the horror in my mother's eyes upon seeng me. the horror in my own eyes when I saw the num bers on the scab. and becom ing the butt （oloV ious pun intended）of alI my brothers'jokes， I did what any normal， red bboded， Am erican girl woubl do： I pigged out for the ho lidays.

I went back to schoo I armed with every diet book known to man from my well-meaning mother and a handful of recipes （as if l was going to cook）. I coldH hand le this. Takng off weight was never a problem for me in the past. What I didn't rea lize was that in the past lonly needed to bse five or ten pounds at the most. lw as now boking at trying to take off forty！ When it didn't come off as quickly as thought it would. lbecame even more desperate.

I was hungry alI the time， frustrated at my lack of success and facing summer-shorts and bathing suit season？ l don't think so ！

My dorm mate conv inced me that if I just purged for one meala day l would see a huge difference.

She was right in one regard. The dizziness l was experiencing from the bck of food was beginning to take its to Il I needed to pull down really good grades if l was going to get in to a good medica lschool.

Purging one meal became purging two， sometim es more. The. we ight was dropping off. I was so excited and encouraged by seeng my waist again. I joined a gym and began to work out three days a week. Betw een studyng untilallhours of the moming， running my body ragged on a treadm ill and bingeing and purging， I had become a full-b bwn bulim ic. But I couldn't even adm it it to myse F. l was in denial

When l went home fora few weeks in the summer. My mother， however， didn't like what she saw. She was worried about the. dark circles undermy eyes and the palbrof my skn. PlUs， my natura lly calm easygo ing persona lity had given way to a cranky， argum entative nightm are of a person. I expbded when she questionedm e about it.“What more do you want from me？ lgot straight at this term. lost all the weight that you were bugging me about， and I had to do it all living aw ay from home！” My screaming fit gave way to tears and l broke down. I assured my mother everything woubl be all right and l went back to school lconvinced my self that I coubl hand le this problem ， but in truth， I couldn't. I would abstain from my purging behav ior for only a few days. Because thadn't changed my eating habits-in fact they were worse-my weight would begin to go up again.

Suddenly， I stopped having periods. My body was screaming at me and wasn't getting the message. l was taking anato my and biobgy classes baming everything about the body， except how to take care of my own. One day lpassed out in my dorm room while just sitting down studying. That was it. I boked at myself in the mirror and the warped pant of me， the part that was respons ible for this behav ior， saw a girlwho needed to bve more weight. But some wisdom forced its way thmugh and l knew lneeded heb.

I ran oVer to the counse ling offiCe and grabbed the phone num ber for the eating disorder hot line.EVen thoUgh l fet like a grow-up With all theSe neW reSponS ib ilities and being aW ay at colege.thiS WaS my frst realadUt aCt.

A fter be.ng.n a groUp for three months.1 w as changing my behaVior.1 foUnd my Way oUt ofthe darkneSS With peopb Who Cared and profeSS iona ls Who Were trained.1 leamed SO many thingS from thiS experiencCe-it'S okay to be scared and you don't haVe to be abne or do it abne.

我看著鏡中的自己，5.25英尺高（合1.6米），體重不足100磅（約合90斤），難以想象自己曾經胖得像頭豬。

剛上大學那會，壓力愈來愈大，于是我開始暴飲暴食。大二初，我已經有150磅了！當我在醫生辦公室進行年度體檢時，站上體重秤那一刻，我簡直不敢相信我的眼睛，我居然在短短一年間體重增加了45磅！

假期我帶著沮喪的心情回家。在我媽看到我一瞬間那驚恐的眼神中，以及當我看到體重秤上的數字時驚恐的表情中，我變成了所有弟弟的笑柄，我做了所有正常、熱血的美國妞都會做的事：在狂吃中度過了假期。

我帶著媽咪好心給我準備的所有食譜以及一些菜譜（好像我會自己做飯一樣）回學校了。嗯，我可以搞定的。以前減肥對我來說是小菜一碟。但我沒意識到，過去我最多只需減掉5～10磅，現在我卻是要努力減掉40磅，簡直是天方夜譚！當體重沒有如我所想那般快速下降時，我更絕望了。我總是處于饑餓中，對成功減肥感到沮喪，但是想到即將到來的夏天 這個屬于短褲和泳裝的季節，不！我一定要瘦下來！

我室友說如果我每天少吃一餐將會大有不同，從某個方面來說她是對的，但是從那以后我就常常因為缺食而變得頭暈眼花，而且情況愈演愈烈，但是我又擔心過度虛弱會拖垮好成績從而不能考上好的醫科大學。

少食一餐變成了少食候更多。體重直線下降。看到我的腰時簡直太興奮健身房然后每周去鍛煉三上上課的時間我幾乎都在跑步機上搖搖晃晃地跑步，或者在狂歡，或者在節食，我完全成了一名易饑者，我只是不愿承認我在逃避現實。

夏天我回家待了幾個星期，然而，我媽媽不喜歡她所見到的一切.她擔心我眼睛周圍的黑眼圈以及我蒼白的皮膚。還有，我天生平靜、隨和的脾氣變得古怪，好爭論，這是一個人的噩夢。當她問我這個的時候，我爆發了：“你到底還想怎樣？這個學期—開始我就按你的要求減掉了體重.而且離開家也一直是這樣做的！”我的眼淚漸漸取代了咆哮，然后我崩潰了。

我向媽媽保證一切都會變好的，然后我回到學校了。我不斷告訴自己我可以搞定這個問題，但事實上，我無法擺脫。我只能堅持放棄節食這個行為幾天而已。因為我并沒有改變我的飲食習慣一其實這習慣后來變得更糟了一而且我的體重又會增加的。

突然，我的例假停了。我的身體吃不消了，可是我沒注意到這個信息。我選修了解剖課和生物課，以了解關于身體的一切，卻忘了關注自己的身體問題。有一天，當我坐著學習時突然間暈倒在宿舍。事情就是這樣，我看著鏡子中的自己以及那個反常自應該為這個行為負責的那部分自總是認為應該減更多體重。但是迫使我做出這些事情時，我知道的需要幫助。

我沖向咨詢室，抓起電話撥關于飲食不規律的咨詢熱線電話管我一直覺得自己像一個成年人自在校承擔著新的責任，這卻是第一次真正意義上的成人行為。

在一個團隊里待了三個月后，我逐漸改變了我的飲食不規律行為。在關心我的人們和經過專業培訓的人士的幫助下，我從黑暗中解脫出來了。從這次經歷中我學會了很多一害怕是正常的，可是你不必獨行或獨自面對。