The Fine Art of Faking It

孫佳慧

Didnt see it？ Didnt read it？ Didnt hear about it？ Fake it.

當朋友大聊你沒看過的電影、電視時，其實你可以靠吐槽蒙混過關……

Recently， all my friends started talking about Harry Potter—again. Thats really a bad news for me; Im not a fan. I havent seen the movies， and I didnt read any of the books. So， obviously， as they bang on about imaginary children and their amazing magic， I feel a trifle isolated. The adult thing to do would be to sit there and wait until a topic of interest to me pops up in conversation or perhaps just learn more about the interests of my friends， but no one does that. As they natter on incessantly all I really want to say is “Pay attention to me！” In a situation like this， you must pacify the mob mentality in your head with fake ideas and opinions—become the social animal， particularly， the lemming. But， it takes a bit of skill to master this delicate art in Chinese.

Lets take Harry Potter and the various Potterphiles as our first example. So， you didnt watch the movie or read the books， but， obviously， you know the films were adapted from the books. This versatile nugget should be of use：

I dont think the movie is as good as the novel.

W6 ju9de di3ny@ng m9iy6u yu1nzh& xi2oshu4 h2ok3n.

我覺得電影沒有原著小說好看。

Ah， the conversational equivalent of a garnish next to a steak. Its very safe. Face it， no true fan of any genre would honestly choose the films over the books. Of course， you cant exactly add much more than this to the conversation， so be astute and let the herd give you some clues.

A： I am a fan of the novels but didnt watch the movies. How did you like the adaptation？

W6 sh# g- yu1nzh&d2ng， di3ny@ng h1i m9ik3n.G2ibi`n de z0nmey3ng？

我是個原著黨，電影還沒看。改編得怎么樣？

B： Its not bad. But they added a new romantic role to the story. I think its a little boring.

W6 ju9de h1i b%cu7. D3nsh# x～nji`le y！ g- ju9s- f&z9 t1n li3n3i， g2nju9 y6udi2nr w%li1o.

我覺得還不錯。但是新加了一個角色負責談戀愛，感覺有點兒無聊。

A： Oh， they did that again. Why do directors love romance so much？

7， y7u l1i le. D2oy2n z0nme n3me x@huanp`i g2ngq！ngx# ne？

哦，又來了。導演怎么那么喜歡拍感情戲呢？

In some cases， it is just an original movie， so you have to be smart enough to swerve the conversation—into a tree if necessary. The best fodder for this is usually just talking about the actors and actresses. Even basic knowledge of their appearance will steer you through the conversation.

A： Harry Potter （Daniel Radcliffe） didnt age very well.

H`l# B4t- zh2ngd3 zh～h7u ji& m9iy6u y@qi1n h2ok3n le.

哈利·波特長大之后就沒有以前好看了。

B： Yes！ What a pity！

Sh# de！Du4 k0x～ a！

是的！多可惜啊！

A：? But Hermione （Emma Watson） is getting prettier all the time.

D3nsh# H-m@nqu- yu- l1i yu- m0i le！

但是赫敏卻越來越美了！

Have a little common sense and try to steer it onto their careers rather than their franchise， that should get you out of the mess.

Another good trick is to talk about the acting， because no one knows anything about it. Some names just scream bad acting and be sure to know them when your doubter brings up your lack of qualifications on the subject.

A： They said Yang Mis acting was better in this movie， but I still dont think shes good.

D3ji` d4u shu4 Y1ng M# z3i zh- b& di3ny@ng l@ de y2nj# b@ y@qi1n h2o， d3n w6 h1ishi ju9de t` b& z0nmey3ng.

大家都說楊冪在這部電影里的演技比以前好，但我還是覺得她不怎么樣。

B： Really？ I thought she was pretty good this time.

Zh8n de ma？W6 ju9de t` zh- c# y2nde b%cu7 a.

真的嗎？我覺得她這次演得不錯啊。

A： I just dont like the way she speaks the lines.

W6 b&x@huan t` shu4 t1ic！def`ngsh#.

我不喜歡她說臺詞的方式。

B：? Well， maybe you are prejudiced against her.

N@ du# t` y6u pi`nji3n ba？

你對她有偏見吧？

A： Maybe， but I admit that she is very beautiful.

K0n9ng sh#. D3nsh# w6 ch9ngr-n t` h0n pi3oliang.可能是。但是我承認她很漂亮。

Dont worry about offending a true fan. Even their crazed fans usually wont insist on their acting skills being praised. But if you dont want to be mean， you can also go in the opposite direction—find some names that can always be praised. Maybe theyre not as well-known， but it shows that you have good taste.

Talking about the director is another useful strategy. You can give a pretty standard comment for most Chinese directors： his new stuff isn't as good. In most cases， thats true. And at the same time， a mood of nostalgia is fostered. If you can remember some basic information and representative works from those famous directors， it can be really helpful.

B： How did you like Chen Kaiges new movie？

N@ ju9de Ch9n K2ig8 de x～npi`nr z0nme y3ng？

你覺得陳凱歌的新片兒怎么樣？

A： I dont think it was very good. After watching it I couldnt believe that Farewell to My Concubine was also his film.

W6 r-nw9i b%t3ih2o. K3nw1n zh～h7u w6 ji2nzh！ b&g2n xi`ngx#n 《B3w1ng Bi9j～》y0sh# t` p`i de le.

我認為不太好。看完之后我簡直不敢相信《霸王別姬》也是他拍的了。

B： Youre right. It really doesnt compare to that. It seems that his talent is running out.

N@ shu4 de du#. Zh- b& qu-sh！ b&n9ng g8n n3 b&? xi`ngb@. T` s#h$ ji`ngl1ng c1ij#n le.

你說得對。這部確實不能跟那部相比。他似乎江郎才盡了。

You can prepare some specific comments for different directors. For Zhang Yimou， you can say， “The composition of picture was really nice， but the storytelling was not very good”; for Feng Xiaogang， it could be， “I dont know why his recent works are not as interesting as his New Year movies”; and as for Ang Lee， you can relax and say “Lee never disappoints me， except for the Hulk movie which was a steaming pile of garbage.”

These comments of course arent 100 percent fact （except for the Hulk comment which was， again， actual garbage）， but hey， its just your opinion.

Talking about quality is kind of risky. But if the movie is popular， you will definitely hear some voices around you and you can adapt them into your own views. Common sense dictates that criticism is always justified in certain areas—such as the special effects.

Chinese has a wonderful phrase for this： five-mao special effects （五毛特效）， frequently used to describe cheap， embarrassing special effects befitting the half yuan note.

B： Terrible！ These endless five-mao special effects！

T3i k0p3 le！ M9i w1n m9i li2o de w^ m1o t-xi3o！

太可怕了！沒完沒了的五毛特效！

B： Calm down！ You should be used to it！

L0ngj#ng！ N@ y～ngg`i d4u x！gu3n le！

冷靜！你應該都習慣了！

A： Are they too poor to make something good？

T`men zh8n qi5ng ch9ng zh-y3ng ma？

他們真窮成這樣嗎？

If you want to sound more like an expert， try to find somebody to blame. SAPPRFT is a perfect scapegoat for pretty much any criticism， though in some cases the cersonship is really not the reason for a poor quality movie （though it doesnt exactly help anyone）.

A： The plot could flow more naturally if they didnt need to worry about passing the SAPPRFT review.

R%gu6 b%y7ng p3 t4ng b% gu7 sh0nch1，

di3ny@ng de q！ngji9 k0n9ng hu# g-ng z#r1n.

如果不是怕通不過審查，電影的情節可能會更自然。

B： Yeah， they must have cut a few scenes.Sh# de， t`men y！d#ng ji2ndi3ole j@ g- ch2ngj@ng.

是的，他們一定剪掉了幾個場景。

Lets face it， youre never going to get into a deep discussion about a book you havent read or a movie you havent seen. Please keep in mind that the less you say the safer you are. Or， perhaps， you could just face the pop culture music and admit： “Oh， I havent seen it.”