Keep Calm and Call IT

劉玨

A guide to dealing with tech support

電腦壞掉之后，如何與來自另一個世界的技術人員溝通， 并應對他們的“羞辱”？

When your screen freezes， you can feel it in the pit of your stomach. How can that document be gone？ Just， gone？ What sort of cruel， godless universe is this？ Then comes anger as you engage in percussive maintenance， but the computer fates respond to your beatings by going completely black. Then bargaining， “I will redo the whole chart if you just come back. Dont take all the other data， you malicious slattern of an office appliance！” After you hold in the power button a few times， sorrow takes hold. Color fades from the world and you wonder if you should just end it all. But， you eventually come to a realization that something bigger than you is taking place， that theres nothing you can do because this is all part of the natural order of things—youre going to have to call for some tech support.

As anyone working in an office can attest， the most unpleasant part of the experience happens after the person meant to help you finally arrives—the person who invades your work space asking way too many questions and offering loads of unsolicited advice you neither agree with nor understand. At the end of all of the insults， waiting， and tutting， you may find yourself wanting to just quit your job and join the circus. So， heres a handy guide to prepare for your inevitable tech support situations.

When the person wearing a plain shirt， jeans， and sneakers with a numb， bored expression finally shows up， you cry for help：

My computer wont start！

W6 de di3nn2o k`ibuli2o j～ le！

我的電腦開不了機了！

They， of course， have to ask you a few questions first. Be warned： during this process， your intelligence may be insulted and your pride will?be hurt.

Is it plugged in？

Ch`sh3ng di3nyu1n le ma？

插上電源了嗎？

Is the monitor cord loose？

Sh#bush# xi2nsh#q# de li1nji8xi3n s4ng le？

是不是顯示器的連接線松了？

No and no. Finally， the tech guy or gal reluctantly takes your seat. But if it was a simple problem， things would probably be over already. The tech guy， of course， will make sure you know how many other people have made the same mistake and exactly how he feels about it. So they whip up some magic and your computer seems resurrected， but with an unfamiliar interface consisting only of text and codes that might as well be written in Martian. They declare：

Your operating system is damaged and has to be re-installed.

N@ de c`ozu7 x#t6ng s^nhu3i le， x$y3o ch5ngx～n `nzhu`ng.

你的操作系統損壞了，需要重新安裝。

With that they pull out a stack of 光盤?（gu`ngp1n， discs）， several or all of which are probably pirated. Remembering the last time your system was re-installed， you ask：

Do you have an operating system in English？

Y6u Y～ngy^ de c`ozu7 x#t6ng ma？

有英語的操作系統嗎？

Of course they dont. But， hey， perfect time to practice your Chinese computer terminology， or randomly stabbing at tabs in the dark， depending on your Chinese ability. Also， there are far more pressing issues：

Can my files be retrieved？

W6 de w9nji3n n9ng zh2o hu！l1i ma？

我的文件能找回來嗎？

They， ever so annoyingly， answer you with more questions：

Have you saved it？ Where did you save it？

N@ b2oc%nle ma？ N@ b2oc%n d3o n2li le？

你保存了嗎？你保存到哪里了？

Have you backed it up？

N@ b-if-nle ma？

你備份了嗎？

Ashamed， you confess that you saved it on the 桌面?（zhu4mi3n， desktop） and you never bothered to backup anything—because youre not a nerd. They throw you one of those looks intended for imbeciles and repeat the phrase you know all too well.

Ive said it so many times， dont save files on your desktop， its very easy to lose them during reinstallation.

W6 shu4guo h0ndu4c# le， b%y3o b2 w9nji3n c%n z3i zhu4mi3n shang， zh-y3ng z3i ch5ngzhu`ng de sh！hou r5ngy# di$sh～.

我說過很多次了，不要把文件保存在桌面上，這樣在重裝的時候容易丟失。

Get into the habit of backing up your files regularly; this will save you a lot of trouble.

Y2ngch9ng d#ngq～ b-if-n de h2ox！gu3n hu# ji9sh0ng h0ndu4 m1fan.

養成定期備份的好習慣會節省很多麻煩。

While trying your best not to commit homicide， dont say：

Cut the crap and get on with fixing it. Im in a hurry！

Sh2of-ihu3， g2nj@n xi$， w6 zh1oj！ y7ng！

少廢話，趕緊修， 我著急用！

You dont want to piss off the guy who fixes your computer—especially since he can tell you werent busy and knows the last thing you Googled was， “Are unicorns real？” So you have to resolve to do the opposite：

Got it. No problem. I will definitely pay more attention next time！

M！ngbai le， m9i w-nti ， w6 xi3c# y！d#ng zh&y#！

明白了，沒問題，我下次一定注意！

At some point， you may find yourself pining for the halcyon days of pad and paper over the hateful robot box that has just betrayed you. But such is the price we pay for modernity. A wide range of 故障?（g&zh3ng， glitches） might hit your office that the tech support personnel are needed to fix.

You： My computer crashes a lot.

W6 de di3nn2o j～ngch1ng s@j～.

我的電腦經常死機。

Tech support： It may have been infected with a virus. What anti-virus software do you use？

K0n9ng sh# zh7ngd% le， n@ y7ng de sh# sh9nme sh`d% ru2nji3n？

可能是中毒了，你用的是什么殺毒軟件？

Here follows a whole lecture of anti-virus software reviews. Its so long that you want to say： “I dont care， just tell me which one to get.” Or he will suggest：

You opened too many files at the same time and your computers configuration is too outdated; its time for an upgrade.

N@ t5ngsh！ d2k`i de w9nji3n t3i du4， di3nn2o de p-izh# g8n b% sh3ng， g`i g8ngx～n hu3nd3i le.

你同時打開的文件太多，電腦的配置跟不上，該更新換代了。

And then your IT wizard will tell you all about 中央處理器?（zh4ngy`ng ch^l@q#， CPU）， 內存條?（n-ic%nti1o， memory chips）， and 顯卡（xi2nk2， display card）， which you dont care about because its all witchcraft.

You： My printer stopped working.

W6 de d2y#nj～ b& g4ngzu7 le.

我的打印機不工作了。

Tech support： Have you tried connecting it to another computer？

N@ y6u m9i y6u li1nji8 d3o l#ng y# t1i di3nn2o shang sh# yi sh#？

你有沒有連接到另一臺電腦上試一試？

You： But I dont know how.

K0 w6 b& zh～d3o z0nme n7ng.

可我不知道怎么弄。

They sigh and throw you a disappointed look once again before getting to it. All the while， you wonder why they arent more grateful; after all， its simpletons like yourself that keep them employed. But tech support only serves to remind you how stupid you are—until theres a problem they cant fix. Then its the fault of the technology， internet dragons， or some such rot.

You： My internet connection is unstable. It keeps breaking off. I often cant even open a web page.

W6 de w2nglu7 t-bi9 k2， l2o di3oxi3n， j～ngch1ng li1n w2ngy- d4u d2buk`i.

我的網絡特別卡，老掉線，經常連網頁都打不開。

Tech support： Try to clean the cache and reconnect to the network.

Sh#shi q～ngl@ hu2nc%n， z3i ch5ngx～n li1nji8 w2nglu7.

試試清理緩存，再重新連接網絡。

They will try a few things but when those dont work， youll be told to take it up with your 網絡運營商?（w2nglu7 y&ny！ngsh`ng， internet service provider）. At this point you just have to accept that you are in China where the internet speed is generally， shall we say， torturous.

At the end of the day， with all your ignorance and indifference to computers， the most useful piece of advice you may get from tech support is an old adage from the very beginning of technology：

Have you tried turning it off and on again？

N@ sh# guo ch5ngq@ ma？

你試過重啟嗎？