Cut off my Hands!

孫佳慧

You came to grow grass again？ Ive been eating dirt！ Now I have to chop off my hands again！” This is not， as you might first imagine， the tale of a dirt-eating landscape gardener with a severe self-harm complex; no， this is a shopaholic. If you are the type to head to downtown and come back with more bags than sense， youll need to learn these simple phrases： chop off hands （剁手?du7sh6u）， eat dirt （吃土?ch～t^）， and grow grass （種草?zh7ngc2o）. With that in mind， the implicit meaning of the opening sentence is， “You come to me recommending fancy goods？ Ive spent all my money！ I cant believe I will shop even more！”

To “eat dirt” is a fairly easy one; it means youre broke. But， whats less obvious is that the phrase implies that youve overspent. Someone might look at their credit card bill and scream： “我為什么買了這么多衣服？ 我這個月只能吃土了！（W6 w-i sh9nme m2i le zh-me du4 y～fu？ W6 zh-ge yu- zh@n9ng ch～t^ le！ Why did I buy so many clothes？ I can only eat dirt this month！）”

Its a cruel world out there for people who yearn for Prada and hanker for Harry Winston， with signs assaulting the senses with “買買買！” or “buy， buy， buy！” Advertisements spring from every shop and billboard， so its no wonder that the phrase for having ones appetite whetted for fancy new goods is described as “growing grass”， meaning “plant a desire in the mind”. This phrase is often used in a passive voice， as in， “我被種草了。（W6 b-i zh7ngc2o le. I was grown grass.）”

Ungrammatical as it sounds， its a common expression. Hearing about a sale， seeing a commercial for watches， even being recommended a new trashy reality television show can all be met with “I have become grown grass”， meaning the advertising has taken root and youre hooked （or in need of some sort of impulse item hedge trimmer）. Accordingly， when you finally buy， watch， read， or steal what has been grown， you pull off the grass， or 拔草?（b1c2o）. This is perhaps best illustrated with the sentence， “我惦記這款包很久了，今天終于拔草了！?（W6 di3nji zh- ku2n b`o h0n ji^ le， j～nti`n zh4ngy% b1c2o le！ I have been thinking about this bag for so long and finally pulled off the grass today！）”

However， some grass grows too deep， and when youre eating dirt， you might find the need for a more severe metaphor. A shopper might， with timid determination， shout： “我要是再買就剁手！（W6 y3oshi z3i m2i ji& du7sh6u！ If I buy one more thing， I will chop off my hands！）” Actual bloodshed is rare. Rather， it is a stolid declaration of suffering for spending， not unlike the Biblical passage， “If thine hand offend thee， cut it off.” The term can even be made into a declaration of intent; one might say， “I will chop off my hands today” in anticipation of their shopping spree.

Sadly， spending disorders can be quite serious—affecting family members， friends， and those you love. People suffering should seek psychological help. That is， unless theyre buying a copy of The World of Chinese. If thats the case， “買買買！” You handless dirt-eater.