原諒過去 擁抱未來

It was November 2011， and I was driving home from a very long day at the office. When a call from my exhusband interrupted the 1）blissful silence of my drive， I wondered if I was ready for one of his raging phone calls. We had divorced six years earlier， and unfortunately his anger toward me for the divorce had not softened. We only spoke to each other if absolutely necessary. I hesitantly answered the phone. I hoped my 2）chipper attitude would help set the tone for our exchange.

His words took my breath away. He had stage IV 3）esophageal and stomach cancer.

All I was able to whisper was， “ I am sorry， so sorry.”

Tears stung my eyes as I thought of our children who were seventeen and fifteen， too young to lose a father. My head swam with questions as I pulled into my driveaway. How would the children handle the loss of their father？ Who would take care of him？

My phone rang again； it was my real estate agent. I was numb from my ex-husband’s news when she excitedly told me there was an offer on my home.

“ That’s great.” I mumbled.

As I hung up the phone， I wondered about the statistical probability that I would receive an offer on my home the same night that my ex-husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer？ My house had been on the market for three years. Clearly the universe had spoken to me. In that moment， I knew what I needed to do.

I resolved to move the children and myself in with him. I had faith that this would be a turning point for my ex-husband， and he would embrace spending quality time with our children. They would have the opportunity to know their father. I worried the caretaker role would fall on my daughter otherwise. If we moved in together， I could assume this role so my children would not be burdened with the responsibility.

Despite my resolve， I was concerned. I had worked so hard to divorce my husband and the process had been scary. How could I live with him again？ Everyone thought my idea was crazy， even our children.

A few months into living together， the stress began to 4）take a toll on me. Each day his actions and behavior brought up old hurts and wounds from the past. The anxietyrelated anger and hostility created irregular heart rhythms. I was reliving our history each day. I knew I must do something to break the cycle. I had to find forgiveness.

Over the next few weeks， I searched for answers on the Internet and in bookstores， but nothing 5）resonated with me. I was desperate to block the pain of the past. I wanted to stop replaying the old movies from years ago that were triggering my emotions. While I could not control his actions， I could control my emotions. I could choose to feel like a victim or embrace happiness and separate myself from his behavior.

We are a product of our lifetime of experiences， and his shaped his choices. He grew up angry， defensive and afraid. Every bad choice he made was driven by his fear. The minute I stopped judging my ex-husband’s actions， I broke the line between his behaviors and my emotions. I created space in my heart where I planted the seeds of empathy and compassion， and forgiveness began to grow.

My days became happier and calmer. Peace filled the house as forgiveness took root.

It is easy to say the words， “I forgive，” but they have no impact if your actions are not aligned with your thoughts. So I began to place the intention of forgiveness into every daily chore and interaction. Cooking has always been the way I demonstrated love for my family and friends. As the end approached， I hosted many lunches and dinners for friends and family in our home so they could say their goodbyes.

The payoff came one bright sunny morning just a few weeks before he passed. We were preparing for the last set of guests to arrive. Only family would be allowed to visit after this day. He thanked me for entertaining the multitude of friends over the last week. As he left the room， he turned and said he loved me and without thinking I responded， “I love you too.”

I was stunned as the reality of my words sunk in. It was an honest moment， and I did love him. Not as my husband，but as the father of our children. I love him for just being a human being， a child of God. Forgiveness had given me the ability to stop judging him and accept him for who he was. I was finally at peace with our past. It was time to let go of our history， so we could both move on.

Just three weeks later， he passed peacefully at home early one morning in his bedroom with our family dog by his side.

2011年11月，在辦公室呆了一整天后，我正在開車回家。車內(nèi)原本愉悅的靜默被我前夫的一通電話所打破，我猶豫著要不要接他那充滿火藥味的電話。我們在六年前就離婚了，不幸的是，他由于離婚而對我產(chǎn)生的怒火依然沒有平息。只有在極其必要的情況下，我們才會和彼此說話。我慢吞吞地接起了電話。我希望我那輕快的語氣能讓我們的對話心平氣和些。

他說的話讓我大吃一驚。他得了晚期食道癌和胃癌。

我只能低聲說道，“我很抱歉，很抱歉。”

淚水刺痛了我的眼睛，我想到了我們那兩個十七歲和十五歲的孩子，他們都太小了，不能失去父親。當(dāng)我繼續(xù)開車時，我的腦海里擠滿了各種問題。孩子們要如何面對失去父親的痛苦？誰來照顧他？

我的手機再次響起，是我的房產(chǎn)經(jīng)紀(jì)人打來的。當(dāng)她興奮地告訴我有人要買我的房子時，我還沒從我前夫的消息中回過神來。

“那很好。”我喃喃低語。

掛上電話之際，我在想，前夫被診斷出末期癌癥的同一天晚上有人出價購買我的房子，這幾率有多大？我的房子已經(jīng)放入市場三年了。顯然，事實已經(jīng)告訴了我答案。那一刻，我知道該怎么做了。

我決定和孩子們搬到他那里。我相信這會是我前夫的轉(zhuǎn)機，他會和孩子們共度一段美好時光。他們能有機會了解父親。另外，我擔(dān)心照顧人的活兒會落到我女兒頭上。如果我和他們住到一起，我就能接手這份活兒，我的孩子們也就不用肩負(fù)這份責(zé)任。

盡管我已經(jīng)下定決心，但我還是很擔(dān)心。……