原諒別人，放過自己

I hold grudges against everyone， even when making a conscious effort not to. I even hold grudges against myself for the things I’ve done in my life， things that I still feel guilty about today； like failing acting class in college， which ended up costing my mother tens of thousands of dollars. I also hold a grudge against my dad. But however justified my anger may be， as the years go by， my desire to mend fences and reconnect only grows stronger. But when I open my computer to make that trans-world reconciliatory call， something stops me. It’s that grudge I can’t let go of， my inability to handle the emotions that are destined to surface during our talk. And that just makes me madder at myself for not being able to forgive a man who was just looking out for his “real” family， his wife and two daughters（my half-sisters）.

As you may have been able to surmise from the intro， this month’s features are all about forgiveness. First， in Forgiveness and Freedom， Nancy’s late father keeps appearing on her sofa， until she realizes that her forgiveness could set them both free. Next， in Moms Are Like That， Sallie’s mother-in-law never approved of Sallie marrying her son. And Sallie wasn’t able to forgive her for it， that is， until both her husband and mother-in-law had passed on. And Forgiveness Is Possible shows us that even a bitter ex-wife can put grudges aside and forgive the man who hurt her， as in the final months of her ex-husband’s life， she tries to help heal the wounds he caused and repair the familial bonds between him and his kids.

So what do you guys think？ Should I just call my dad and make amends already？ I know I should… So， why it is so hard to forgive him？ Probably has something to do with forgiving myself…

我記恨著每一個人，即使我已有意識不讓自己這樣做。我甚至記恨著自己，為了那些曾經(jīng)做過的事，那些時至今日依然讓我覺得愧疚的事；像是考砸了大學的表演課，結(jié)果讓我媽媽損失了幾萬美元。我也記恨著我父親。然而無論我生氣的理由多么正當，日久天長，與他修復關(guān)系、重新聯(lián)系的渴望卻越來越強烈。但是每當我打開電腦要撥通那越洋和解電話時，有些東西讓我停了下來。是我心里放不下的怨恨，每當和他交談時，我心里總是止不住涌出憤怒的情緒，無力控制。我沒辦法原諒這樣一個只不過是在關(guān)心他“真正”的家庭——他的妻子和兩個女兒（我同父異母的兩個妹妹）的男人，這讓我對自己更加生氣。

也許你已經(jīng)從上面的引子中猜出，這個月的主題文章都是關(guān)于原諒。首先，在《原諒：還你一顆自由的心》一文中，南希已故的父親不斷地出現(xiàn)在她家的沙發(fā)上，直到她明白原諒能讓他們倆都獲得自由。接下來，在《母親的心》這篇文章中，薩利的婆婆一直不贊同她兒子娶薩利，薩利因而無法原諒她，直到她丈夫和婆婆都去世后才釋懷。而《原諒過去，擁抱未來》則給我們展現(xiàn)了，即使是一位心有怨憤的前妻也能把仇恨放下，原諒那個曾經(jīng)傷害過她的男人，在她前夫生命的最后一個月里，她努力彌合他造成的傷痕，幫忙修補他與孩子們的關(guān)系。

那么你們怎么看呢？我應該給我父親致電并修補我們的關(guān)系嗎？我知道我應該這樣做……但是，為什么原諒他就那么難呢？