漫漫戒煙路

Two months ago， I quit smoking.

I had been a pack-a-day smoker since college. And I had been trying to quit for about as long. Wish me luck.

When I got engaged， I figured， ok， now’s the time to quit. When I got married， I thought， ok， now’s the time to quit. When I took up my first job. When our daughter was born. Actually， especially when our daughter was born： If there’s one thing I didn’t want for her， it was to grow up watching her father set such an example.

And yet I kept smoking. I rationalized it by saying there was still time. I still had a few years before she’d form stable memories， so I could keep up the habit and she’d never know me as a smoker. I’ll always remember the first time I got up from the living room couch and she piped up1）， “Daddy， are you going to smoke a cigarette？”

It’s a nasty habit， but not for the reasons non-smokers might think. Non-smokers don’t like the smell， but man， the smell of smoke is actually the most delicious thing. No， it’s a nasty habit because it’s a demon. A demon is a spirit who inhabits you， and takes ahold of the muscles and sinews2） of your mind， and twists and turns them to make you look more and more like him， and less and less like you.

Smoking is a nasty habit because， like all addictions， it turns you into a slave and a liar.

It’s slavery if you can’t enjoy a meal or drinks with friends without having to step outside several times. It’s slavery to have to push away your toddler because you’re hunched up against a window feeding your habit. It’s slavery if you can’t listen to the person you are talking to， or pay attention to the lecture or movie or concert you are attending， because you are counting down the seconds until you can get your fix3）.

Smoking turns you into a liar—to other people and to yourself. Don’t trust the smoker’s pride. Yes， anti-smoker prejudice in the West can sometimes reach ridiculous heights. It’s insane that there are places in the U.S. where people will run screaming from the room if you smoke tobacco， but offer pot like it’s orange juice.

But anyone who tells you they smoke purely because they enjoy it， and who is blase4） about the link between cigarettes and cancer， that person is lying—either to you， or to themselves （sometimes both）. I know， because I’ve been that person.

All of which is a longwinded5） way of saying that I’ve finally been able to quit smoking for more than a couple of weeks， and that it is an enormous relief.

And the reason I was able to pull it off is the same reason I was never able to pull it off beforehand.

As the writer Eve Tushnet， a recovering alcoholic and a counselor， pointed out， it is well known that the best way to get an addict to relapse6） is to guilt them—to remind them of everything bad that will happen if they relapse. Theoretically， this makes no sense： Shouldn’t a reminder of the bad consequences of addiction make us less likely to slip up7）？ But in practice it’s obvious why that should happen： The addiction is a crutch8）， and the guilt trip9） only makes us weaker， which makes us need the crutch more.

When I tried to quit smoking in the past， I made two mistakes. First， I guilt-tripped myself. Don’t you want to avoid cancer？ Don’t you want to live longer for your wife？ Don’t you want to set a good example for your daughter？

Secondly， I thought that it was about willpower. I told myself that I would defeat tobacco， because even though the cigarette was strong， my will was stronger.

Everything became easier once I realized something obvious： Quitting smoking is selfish.

Quitting smoking is selfish！ Everything I’ve said about being alienated from my friends， my daughter， my surroundings is true—and it sucks10）. So why not try not doing the thing that sucks， and start doing the thing that doesn’t suck？

I thought that quitting smoking required huge amounts of willpower， and thus I’d never be able to quit. Instead， it’s the exact other way around： I have zero willpower， and that’s exactly what’s required to quit. The hard thing to do is to smoke. It’s hard to detach myself from whatever I’m doing， and from whoever I’m with. My body has been conditioned over the years to suppress those feelings， but if I pay attention to them， I realize that inhaling smoke makes me want to choke and throw up. Suppressing those feelings is hard. Waking up every morning with my mouth feeling like molasses11） and tasting like an ashtray is hard. Not being able to run up three flights of stairs in a rush is hard.

The key is to realize that quitting smoking is something selfish. I get to do everything I used to do （and more！ like sports！） but without inhaling a murder stick. You’re doing something that’s good for you， and that’s enough motivation. Doing it for other people is the icing on the cake， not the cake itself.

I don’t know how close that attitude is to the Twelve Steps’12） recognition that you are powerless to help yourself and need to rely on a higher power. For me there was no “hitting bottom13）.” Only a gradual realization that something had to be done.

Only once I admitted my own weakness was I able to accomplish a feat of strength that I had given up hope on.

兩個月前，我戒煙了。

從上大學時起，我就一直一天一包。也同樣是從上大學時起，我就一直想要戒煙。希望我好運吧。

訂婚的時候，我想，好吧，該戒煙了。結婚的時候，我又想，好吧，該戒煙了。再往后，我從事第一份工作的時候，女兒出生的時候，我無不想著戒煙。事實上，特別是女兒出生的時候：如果說有一件事是我不希望發生在她身上的，那就是在她成長過程中看到自己的父親樹立了一個壞榜樣。

然而我還是在抽。我為自己的行為辯解說還有時間。還要再過幾年她才會形成牢靠的記憶呢，所以我仍然可以保留這一習慣，而她也永遠不會知道我抽煙。可是我一輩子都忘不了第一次發生的這一幕。我剛從客廳沙發上站起來，就聽到她尖聲尖氣地說：“爸比，你是要去抽煙嗎？”

抽煙是個壞習慣，但這么說的原因并非不抽煙的人所想象的那樣。不抽煙的人不喜歡煙味，可是，啊，煙味實際上是世上最美的味道。不是這個原因，抽煙之所以是壞習慣，因為它是個惡魔。惡魔是寄居在你身體里的邪靈，掌控著你頭腦的肌肉和神經，使之扭曲變形，從而使你看起來越來越像惡魔，越來越不像自己。

抽煙是個壞習慣，因為和所有令人上癮的東西一樣，它會把你變成煙奴和騙子。

你是煙奴，因為你無法愉快地和朋友們一起進餐、飲酒，而是要三番五次地出去吸上幾口。你是煙奴，因為你不得不推開自己蹣跚學步的孩子，弓起身靠在窗前過煙癮。你是煙奴，因為你在和別人聊天時無法靜心聆聽對方在說什么，在聽講座、看電影、聽音樂會時也無法集中精力，因為你會不停地倒計時，直到過把煙癮為止。

抽煙把你變成一個騙子——騙別人，也騙自己。不要相信抽煙者的自尊。誠然，在西方，人們在反抽煙方面的偏見有時會達到荒謬可笑的地步。比如，在美國有些地方，人們一見到抽煙的人就會尖叫著跑出房間，但卻讓人吸食大麻，就跟讓人喝橘子汁一樣自然——這真的很荒唐。

但任何人告訴你說他們抽煙純粹是因為他們喜歡抽，說他們聽厭了所謂抽煙與癌癥之間的關系，統統都是在撒謊——要么是騙你，要么是騙他們自己（有時兩者都騙）。我知道這一點，因為我就是這種人。

所有這一切里嗦的話只是想說明：我終于成功地把煙戒掉了好幾周，戒煙后我感到莫大的輕松。

我能夠把煙戒掉的原因，也正是我以前從未能戒掉的原因。

正在戒酒的作家伊芙·圖什內特也是個心理咨詢師，她曾經指出，讓沾染惡習的人故態復萌的最好方法是讓他們感到愧疚，是提醒他們如果重返惡習會有什么什么惡果，這一點已廣為人知。從理論上來說，這似乎毫無道理：提醒人們惡習成癮帶來的種種惡果難道不是應該使人們不那么容易墮落嗎？但在實際生活中，其原因是顯而易見的：惡習是人生的拐杖，而愧疚感只會使我們更加脆弱，更加離不開拐杖。

我以前嘗試戒煙時犯了兩個錯誤。其一，我讓自己陷入了愧疚之中。你難道不想避免患癌癥嗎？你難道不想為了妻子活得長久一些嗎？你難道不想為女兒樹立一個好榜樣嗎？

其二，我誤以為這是意志力的問題。我告訴自己一定會戰勝煙癮，因為即使煙癮很大，我的意志力更加強大。

但后來我領悟到某個顯而易見的道理，一切就變得簡單起來：戒煙是利己的。

戒煙是利己的！我上面說的那些——什么疏離朋友啊，疏離女兒啊，與周圍環境格格不入啊等等——都很正確，可就是不管用。所以，我干嗎還去做這些沒用的事，而不去嘗試一些有用的事呢？

我以前認為戒煙需要強大的意志力，所以我怎么都不可能戒掉。而實際情況卻恰恰相反：我的意志力為零，而這正是戒煙所需要的。抽煙才是真的難。拋開手頭上的一切，離開我身邊的人，這才是真的難。多少年來，我的身體已經習慣了壓抑自己的感覺，但如果我重視這些感覺，我就會意識到吸煙使我感到窒息、嘔吐。壓抑這些感覺才是真的難。每天早上醒來，嘴里都有一種含著糖漿的感覺，有一股煙灰缸的味道，這才是真的難。無法一口氣跑上三段樓梯，有這種身體狀況才是真的難。

關鍵是要意識到戒煙是對自己有利的。我開始重新做起以前做過的所有事情（甚至更多，比如運動！），但再也不去吸那支殺人的棍子了。你所做的事情對自己有利，這種動力就足夠了。為他人而戒煙好比蛋糕上的糖霜，而非蛋糕本身。

我不知道這種態度和所謂的“成功12步”有多少聯系，后者認為人自身無能為力，需要借助更為強大的力量才能成功。對我來說，我并沒有達到“觸底”的程度。我只是逐漸意識到必須有所行動。

只有當我意識到自己的弱點，才能擁有獲得成功的力量，而我曾對這種力量不再抱有希望。

1. pipe up：（尤指尖聲地）開始講話;突然開始說話

2. sinew [?s?nju?] n. 肌腱;筋;神經

3. fix [f?ks] n. （非源源提供不可的）讓人過癮的東西

4. blase [?blɑ?ze?] adj. （因司空見慣而）無

動于衷的，漠不關心的

5. longwinded [?l???w?nd?d] adj. 冗長的，

長篇大論的

6. relapse [r??l?ps] vi. （病好轉后）復發;故態

復萌;重新墮落

7. slip up：失誤，疏忽

8. crutch [kr?t?] n. （常指過度的）依靠，支撐，支柱

9. guilt trip：〈口〉負罪感;負疚經歷

10. suck [s?k] vi. 顯得糟糕

11. molasses [m??l?s?z] n. 糖蜜，糖漿

12. Twelve Steps：指12步康復計劃（twelve-step program）。該計劃在全世界，尤其是在西方國家，是非常流行且有效的心靈療法。它旨在幫助人們戒癮，包括酒癮、煙癮、賭癮等。該計劃認為，治療這些癮癥，不能靠打壓、否認、羞恥、忽視，而要上癮者誠實地面對自己、原諒自己、包容自己以及愿意承擔起照顧自己的責任，并相信冥冥之中有種力量，會幫助自己走出困境，再見光明。

13. hitting bottom：觸底，用來描述酒癮者、煙癮者、藥物癮者等處于極端低谷或危險狀態的一個詞。“觸底”的上癮者已經到了不得不向外尋求幫助的程度，因為他們的生活已因這些不良嗜好而變得一團糟，比如丟了工作、進了監獄或健康出了問題。