Personal Statement

主持人_王 眾 鄧茗文

Personal Statement

主持人_王 眾 鄧茗文

本期開始，《留學》的文書點評欄目邀請文書作者自己撰寫對文書的回顧與評價，并奉上《留學》的私房點評。

2010年10月15日，羅切斯特大學金融學專業碩士申請個人陳述

Describe your post-M.B.A. or post-M.S. career plans. How does your past education and experience support your career objectives? What aspects of the Simon School program make it a good choice for your graduate study? Why have you chosen to apply to the Simon School for graduate study? (500 word maximum)

I want to initiate my career in a securities company as an industrial analyst, especially on the energy sector, and about five years later, to set up a Private Equity Fund to invest on new Chinese industrial growth points. I deem my goals above are feasible, aligning with my background and predicable potentials in my graduate study.①

My special interest in energy industry derives from my parents, senior engineers of a research institute affiliated to China National Petroleum Corporation. Since my childhood, I have been greatly impressed by big sums of foreign direct investment and merger, and intricate stories of overseas negotiation in Venezuela. It is from them that I have a rough idea of petroleum industry’s investment, M&A and production in South America and become greatly enthusiastic towards investment returns and risk evaluation. Consequently, in March, 2008, I chose the dual-major program in Accounting and Finance at the Ohio State University.

My college years heads towards my desired direction. Availing of accessible resources, I quickly equip myself with professional knowledge for my future career. Firstly, from a wide range of accounting courses, I further know how to analyze cash flow structure, enterprise ability to pay debt and obtain cash, earnings quality, etc. to judge enterprise financial position and further rationalize investors’ decision. Meanwhile, by financial courses and trainings, such as IB Training provided by Wall Street Training, I am informed with financial models and investment strategies. Besides, my research ability and cooperative skills cultivated from group work with international classmates are bound to serve my future career.②

王眾，本科為英語專業，英國卡迪夫大學國際新聞系碩士，申請時DIY文書資料。

《留學》點評

① 該段簡單利落地表明了自己畢業后的規劃，并表示，憑著自己的學術背景和接下來的碩士學習，可以達成目標，很自然地過渡到學術背景上。

② 本段是中規中矩的羅列，列數了自己在本科期間的主要課程；優點在于結構緊湊、語言簡潔；尤其值得借鑒的是短語使用靈活，且句式多變。

③ 本段開頭很贊，“綜合考量自己的利弊后，我決定強化自己的金融知識。”這表明自己學習金融既不是拜金、也不是因為自己聰明絕頂，而是真誠的需要，而且是水到渠成的事情，讓申請更具說服力。不過，倒數第二句，解釋“貴學院為何適合我”時，就過于簡單堆砌了，甚至有敷衍之嫌。

綜合簡評：

本文最大的亮點是邏輯清晰簡明、段與段之前的承上啟下講究；其次，作者英文功力深，語言比較地道。但或許與字數限制有關，介紹自己學術背景及實習經歷的兩段成了菜單式羅列。如何在簡短的篇幅里最大化地秀出自己，一直是文書寫作的難點。如果實在沒啥好想法，那么這篇文書倒是個好榜樣。

Apart from campus learning, I pursue real work environment. I successively interned in Deloitte as an audit associate and Citibank (China) Co., Ltd. as an analyst. From the first job, I savor a role of auditor and solidified my accounting knowledge in two annual audits. Meanwhile, I had a rough understanding of Chinese real estate and new energy power plant. Such as, fora traditional Chinese real estate enterprise, land reserves, amounts of deposits and loans are key parts, while the primary source of a state-owned energy enterprise is loans. While in the latter, by credit evaluation for a SOE, data analysis reports for energy enterprises and industrial analysis report for an automobile company, I became aware of Chinese petroleum, coal, electric power’s production capacity, exports, consumption, and annual expansion, etc., and initially tasted the role of analyst.

Having a realistic grasp of my strengths and weaknesses, I have to facilitate my financial knowledge, comparing with that of accounting. Meanwhile, I want to acquire additional work experience related with PE management. Therefore, it is the right time for me to pursue a graduate education in Finance. Simon, one of the world’s top-tier business schools, is close to the world financial center, therefore, which means various internships and part-time jobs. Meanwhile, your prestigious faculties of financial practitioners and guest speakers and broad financial selective courses and The Financial Management Association can update my knowledge. That’s why Simon attracts me.③

作者回顧本篇文書的得失

這是本人在2010年申請美國羅徹斯特大學時提交的個人陳述。申請題目比較中規中矩，是典型的職業目標、學術經歷及“為什么申請我?！钡摹叭问健苯Y構，因此，我也按照該順序行文，沒有進行結構上的創 新。

文章重點放在第二部分“教育背景/經歷”，因為幾乎所有人都不會否認“過去的行為是對一個人未來行為的推測”，美國人當然也不例外。這部分最重要的是真實、具體。

美國社會長期來形成的信用體系讓他們覺得欺騙等同于犯罪，何況近年來，留學中介、成績造假等現象已經讓中國申請者的誠信形象大打折扣。并且，我不認為一個大四學生可以在現場面試中(羅徹斯特大學要求在美就讀本科的申請者必須現場面試)，能夠在有著十年以上經驗的面試官對細節的追問中不露出破綻。

關于“具體”，我覺得和美國人相比，中國人的工作、生活相對同質化一些，最好通過一些具體事件體現出uniqueness，讓人印象深刻。這一項我做得不太好。不過，我在文章開頭就明確表現出對“能源”行業的興趣，并表達了進入證券公司工作的愿望，一是自身了解得相對較多，二是該行業在全球范圍內都屬于熱點，占經濟比重也比較大，更重要的是會使admission officer覺得申請者是一個目標明確的人。

畢竟金融行業相關工作浩如煙海，在我后來和一些應屆生交談的過程中，發現很多人對同屬金融圈的不同“工種”毫無概念，“投行/券商、商行、基金、保險、信托、公司財務等等都可以，錢多就行”是很多人的想 法。

盡管現實可能與最初目標相距甚遠，但目標和努力方向必須明確，美國商學院的老師們認為在做出申請研究生的決定之時，就應當有較明確的職業規劃，否則，金融碩士本身就是對時間和金錢的巨大浪費?！熬唧w”這一條同樣適用于簡歷的寫作，且最好有數字配合，數字顯然比描述性的詞匯說服力強得多。

當然，文中關于成立私募基金的想法，即使在當時我也認為有些不切實際。不過鑒于自身的體會和一些前輩的經驗，我決定這樣寫。第一，我本人的確有創業的想法，成立私募基金不但和所學專業金融息息相關，而且國內近些年來成功的例子較多，便于面試時發揮。

第二，基督教中的新教教派在美國占主導地位，加上早年間向西部開疆擴土的歷史，使得民眾崇尚個人自由以及企業家精神，這樣的想法容易獲得認同感；

第三，如果按照不少金融專業學生的真實想法，寫畢業后努力進入國際一流投行，根據“analyst->associate->VP->Associate Director->Director->Managing Director”的常規路線一步步晉升，過于單調，缺乏新 意。

此外，我在文中并不避諱地提到畢業后回國的打算，關于這一點，我認為學校的態度是基本中立的：我校在開學時，就為此給全體海外學生發放調查問卷，問卷包括“傾向于長期定居美國”“會在美國工作一段時間”“傾向于直接回國”或“沒想好”四個選項，也可以寫一段話概括自己的想法，學校的Career Management Center會據此制定相關策略。畢竟admission officer不是簽證面試官，想法真實、合理即 可。

憑借這篇文章及面試時的不錯發揮，我于當年12月就拿到了該校的offer以及1萬美元獎學金。當然，面試和簡歷及個人陳述的一致性是很重要的，盡管近兩年國內申請者激增，面試官們仍然保持著他們嚴謹的態度，面對面試官對簡歷或個人陳述中微小細節的提問不知所措可不是什么好事兒。

和美國人相比，中國人的工作、生活相對同質化一些，最好通過一些具體事件體現出uniqueness，讓人印象深刻。