弗瑞德的現代成人禮儀式

It all started with a box set of Roots we had picked up at a car-boot sale. I watched the first episode with my son and he seemed quite taken with the part where the young Kunta Kinte goes off into the forest with a dozen other adolescent boys for “manhood training”—specific tests of strength， bravery and hunting skills—culminating in an eye-watering circumcision with a two-pronged knife.

Why not set him a 21st-century， Western（pain-free） equivalent， I thought. Fred was just a few weeks away from his 13th birthday， which seemed like an important turning point. He was eager for more freedom and independence， pushing to go to bed later， have more pocket money， not have a babysitter， cycle to random far-off places and go to football matches without an adult. But did he have the maturity and worldliness to be granted these things？ Lets put him to the test， I thought. Now seemed the perfect time to make sure he had the skills needed for a more grown-up life.

However to get him fully on board， I knew I would have to invent a rite of passage that would appeal to a modern 13-year-old who already had his boxers permanently on show. After all， this was a boy who hated sustained effort and shied away from any kind of system or daily ritual.

To engage and motivate him， I decided to put a sort of life-as-a-game spin on the whole thing. There would be 13 challenges covering 13 different areas of life， and each challenge would arbitrarily contain the number 13 in some way if possible. I even bought 13 brightly coloured envelopes in which to present the tasks to him， one by one.

Challenge one： Get on a train on your own. Get off at the 13th stop. Go to a sit-down cafe or restaurant. Order the 13th item on the menu. Then buy yourself a whole outfit with ￡13.13.

I am not， of course， randomly releasing him into the wild. I have secretly micromanaged the whole thing. We are going to put him on a train at a particular rural station and after two hours， he will end up in Hereford—a city he has never visited. I buy him a ticket and order him not to look at the destination. I am feeling quite uneasy， but as the train pulls away， I smile and think of Kunta Kintes mothers words when her son is taken from the village： “A boy has just left， a man will return.”

Fred does not know， but we are driving to Hereford to collect him. When we eventually meet up， he tells us he loved the solo train journey and the shopping， but was very uncomfortable with the lunch element at first. “Its a bit weird， isnt it？ A kid on his own sitting in a cafe？”

Challenge two makes him groan： 13 household tasks， from ironing to paying a bill to defrosting the freezer. “Blimey， thatll take me all day，” he says， looking at the list.

Nevertheless he starts off enthusiastically with the first job of mowing the lawn， claiming he is going to make football pitch stripes. Minutes later， he pops back into the house to say he has remembered that he needs to hang out the washing. “Id better do it now cause it looks like it might rain later.” Brilliant. Thinking like a housewife already.

Challenge three really hits his weak points： learn， practise and perform a 13-bar blues piece on the piano in public. Fred had a few months of piano lessons， but gave up. His dad has tried to teach him a bit， too， but that never ends well. But he is happy to write down the notes from a YouTube pop video and have a go on his own.

The idea of regular， repetitive practice， however， goes against every bone in his body. He even lies some days and tells us he practised while we were out. It is only when we arrive at the event， an open-mic night with a proper stage and an audience of 60 or 70 that his nerves kick in. He babbles and becomes fidgety. However， he performs well and receives huge applause and cheers. He is high as a kite all the way home.

Three challenges down， 10 to go. I know he is enjoying it when I overhear him telling a friend animatedly about what is inside the next coloured envelope， which I have left on the kitchen table.

The next challenges get him cooking （plan， buy and make from scratch a three-course family dinner， choosing dishes from any page 13 of our recipe books）， learning Hungarian （Fred has been invited to Hungary in the summer holidays with his best friends family）， doing a self-portrait to capture himself at age 13， and walking （plan and do a 13-mile walk on your own）. I know this distance will not be that strenuous for him. What I really want is for him to experience how liberating and meditative it can be to walk for an extended period of time with nothing but your own thoughts. I tell him he cant take his iPod.

Challenge eight is to volunteer. I have a romantic vision of him dishing out soup in a centre for the homeless or spending time with old people. In reality， health and safety makes this impossible. He ends up in charge of the hook-aduck stall at a local farm charity for a day.

With five challenges left， Fred is asking what his reward is going to be at the end of all this. “What Id really like，” he tells me， “is if you took me to Blackpool Pleasure Beach.”Should I？ Im not sure.

But there have been pay-offs already. He plays the piano a lot these days， cuts the grass and we know we can ask him to make dinner if we are too busy. Now when he goes to stay with his grandparents 100 miles away， instead of a personal handover of child， clothes and cuddly toy at a service station halfway， we put him on a direct train with a heavy rucksack.

I also think he has learned that effort leads to reward， that he can do whatever he puts his mind to， that it is worth feeling the fear and doing it anyway， that we trust him to do stuff he thought we might not， that being in your own company is just fine—and that life is full of possibility and playfulness if you want it to be.

In fact， I may have made a rod for my own back.

“When Im 18，” he said the other day，“Do you think you could set me some sort of treasure hunt around Europe？”

一切都始于我們在汽車行李箱的舊貨賣會上買到的一套電視劇集：《根》。我和兒子一起看了第一集，他似乎被年紀輕輕的昆塔·肯特和其他十多個少年一起進入森林進行“成年訓練”的情節所吸引。所謂“成年訓練”，包括對力量、勇氣和狩獵技能的具體測試，割禮是其終極的訓練方式。用一把雙叉尖刀進行的割禮簡直讓人慘不忍睹。

我心里琢磨著，為什么不給兒子來一個21世紀的、西式的（無痛）“成人訓練”呢？再過幾個星期，弗瑞德就要過13歲生日了，這似乎是他生命中一個重要的拐點。他渴望更多的自由和獨立，要求可以晚睡，想要更多的零花錢，不再需要保姆，希望可以騎自行車去任意一個遙遠的地方并在沒有成人監護的情況下去觀看足球比賽。然而他已經成熟老練到可以獲準去做這些事情了嗎？我想，還是讓我們來考考他?，F在看來也是時候去考驗他是否已經具備成年人生活所必備的技能了。

然而要讓兒子乖乖地接受這個測驗，我知道還得想出一個有趣的成人禮儀式，才能吸引這個已敢于長期顯擺自己平腳內褲的13歲男孩。畢竟，這個男孩討厭持之以恒的努力，并回避任何類型的制度或日常的慣例程式。

為了引起他的興趣并激勵他，我決定把整件事情放置在一種“人生如游戲”的氛圍中進行。在這個測驗里會有13個挑戰，這13個挑戰涵蓋人生中的13個不同領域，如果有可能的話，每個挑戰還會任意以某種方式包含13這個數字。……