幽默與笑話

A

Two little boys were discussing their future.

“What are you going to be when you grow up？”asked one of them.

“A soldier，”answered the other.

“What if you get killed？”

“Who would want to kill me？”

“The enemy.”

The other boy thought this over and said finally：“OK， then， I’ll be the enemy.”

B

Old Mrs Green was not well. Her neighbour， Mrs Brown said to her son Roger：“Go next door and ask how old Mrs. Green is.”

In a few moments， Roger was back， rather red in face.

“Well？”asked his mother.

“She said to tell you it’s none of your business（與你無(wú)關(guān)）how old she is.”said Roger.

（注意兩種讀法的理解，一是把how old連在一起，另一是把old Mrs連在一起）

C

The old lady was delighted with the gift the boy had brought her.

“I’ll go round and see your mother tomorrow.”she said，“And I’ll thank her for this lovely pie.”

“Um， if you don’t mind，”the boy said nervously，“could you thank her for two pies？”

D

A fat man in a cinema turned to a small boy behind him and asked：“Can’t you see， little chap？”

“No， not a thing.”replied the boy.

“Then keep your eyes on me， and laugh when I do.”

E

A man took his son to a restaurant， and both ordered steak（牛排）.

The boy heard his father say to the waiter， “Well done.”

“Why are you praising the waiter？”he asked. “He hasn’t even brought the steak yet.”

（注意對(duì)Well done的兩種理解：①干得好；②煮透些，燒爛些）

F

Advertisement in a newspaper：

LOST：Black and white dog with half tail missing. Torn ear. Blind in one eye. Limps a bit. Answers to the name of Lucky.

G

A little boy was running in the park and lost his mother. After a while， he approached a policeman and asked：“Excuse me， but did you happen to see a lady without a boy like me？”

H

Farmer Jones picked a big red apple and handed it to the boy， saying， “Watch out for worms.”

“When I eat apples，”replied the boy，“the worms have to watch out for themselves.”

（注：watch out 警惕，留心，注意）

I

There were two professors. The first one stood in front of a mirror for a half hour， wondering where he’d seen himself before. The other went around in a revolving door（旋轉(zhuǎn)門）for half an hour because he couldn’t remember whether he was going in or coming out.

J

A snail（蝸牛）was climbing a young cherry（櫻桃）tree when a beetle（甲蟲）spied（發(fā)現(xiàn)）him.

“Say，”said the beetle，“there aren’t any cherries in that tree.”

“I know，”replied the snail， “but there will be by the time I get there.”

K

The doctor was so absent-minded that on his wedding day， when it came time to put the ring on his wife’s finger， he felt her pulse（脈）and asked her to stick（伸）her tongue out.

L

“Please， Mister， will you give me two dollars so I can get to see my mother and father？”

“Where are your parents， little boy？”

“At the movies.”

M

“If there were only three girls in the world， what do you think they would talk about？”

“Two of them would get together and talk about the other one.”

N

The local weatherman was often wrong in his forecasts（預(yù)報(bào)）， so he applied（申請(qǐng)）for a transfer（工作調(diào)動(dòng)）.

“Why do you want to be transferred？”asked headquarters（總部）.

“Because the climate here doesn’t agree with me.”the forecaster answered.

（注：agree with①同意……意見；②對(duì)……適合）

O

If it wasn’t for Thomas Edison and his invention of the electric light bulb（電燈泡）， we’d all be watching television by candlelight.