墮落與傷害

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me， but I think she enjoyed it.

我給我的母親帶來了很多麻煩，但我覺得她樂在其中。

——Mark Twain馬克·吐溫

I was a rotten teenager. Not your average spoiled，not going to clean my room， getting an attitude because I'm 15 teenager. No， I was a lying， acid tonguedmonster， who realized early on that I could make things go my way with just a few minor adjustments. The writers for today's hottest soap opera could not have created a worse \"villainess\".

我過去是個墮落的青少年。受到了非同一般的溺愛，我從不用自己打掃房間，變得這么叛逆，只因為我才15歲。不，我是個愛撒謊的，尖酸刻薄的怪物，很早我就意識到只要稍做調整就能讓一切都順遂我意。恐怕當今最火的泡沫劇編劇也沒能創造出比我更壞的“女惡棍”了。

For the most part， and on the outside， I was a good kid，a giggly tomboy who liked play sports and thrived on competition.

大多數時候，在外面，我是個好孩子，一個愛傻笑酷似男孩的女孩子，喜歡體育運動，比賽中精力旺盛。

Since I was perceptive enough to get some people to bend my way， it amazes me how long it look to realize how I was hurting so many of my closest friends by trying to control them; I also managed to sabotage， time and time again， the most precious relationship in my life: my relationship with my mother.

自從感覺我可以讓一些人屈從自己以來，我花了長到令自己都驚訝的時間才意識到我傷害了那么多我最親近的朋友，就為了控制他們；我還成功地一次又一次地破壞了我生命中最寶貴的情感：我與母親的關系。

Even today， almost 10 years since the birth of the new I， my former behavior astonish me each time I reach into my memories. Hurtful comments cut and stung the people I cared most about. Acts of confusion and anger that seemed to rule my every move—all to make sure things went my way.

甚至到了我已經改過自新近10年后的今天，每次回憶起我以前的所作所為，我還是會驚訝萬分。傷人的話刺傷了我最在乎的人的心。混亂與憤怒仿佛控制了我的每一步—— 一切就是為了確保所有事都按我的意愿進行。

My mother， who gave birth to me at age 38 against her doctor's wishes， would cry to me，\"I waited so long for you， please don't push me away. I want to help you!\"

我的母親，38歲那年不聽醫生的囑咐生下了我，她總是哭著對我說：“我等了多久才等到你的到來啊，求你不要撇開我。我想要幫助你！”

I would reply with my best face of stone，\"I didn't ask for you! I never wanted you to care about me! Leave me alone and forget I ever lived!\"

我總是臉色鐵青地回答：“我又沒要求你那樣！我從不希望得到你的關心！離我遠點，忘了我曾活在這世上！”

My mother began to believe I really meant it. My actions proved nothing less.

我的母親開始相信我的話不是說說而已。我的行為證明了一切。

I was mean and manipulative， trying to get my way at any cost. Like many young girls in high school， the boys whom I knew were off limits were always the first ones I had to date. Sneaking out of the house at all hours of the night just to prove I could do it. Juggling complex lies that were always on the verge of blowing up in my face.

我很卑鄙，控制欲很強，不惜付出任何代價想要讓一切順從我意。就像其他年輕的高中女孩一樣，那些我認識的沒規沒矩的男孩成了我約會的首選。夜晚隨時偷偷溜出家門只是為了證明我能做得到。我的臉上隨時準備玩弄出各種復雜的謊言。

Ironically， I wish I could say I had been heavy into drugs during that period of my life， swallowing mind-altering pills and smoking things that changed my personality， thus accounting for the terrible， razor-sharp words that came flying form my mouth. However， that was not the case. My only addiction was hatred; my only high was inflicting pain.

諷刺地說，我真希望我能說，在我生命中的那段時間，我曾染有很深的毒癮，吞食迷幻藥，吸食改變我本性的東西，才可以解釋為什么我那些糟糕、尖銳、刻薄的話會脫口而出。但那不是事實。我唯一的嗜好就是仇恨，唯一的快感就是制造傷痛。

But then I asked myself why. Why the need to hurt？And why the people I cared about the mother? I would drive myself mad with the entire whys until one day.

但之后我會問自己為什么。為什么需要去傷害？為什么還是我在乎的母親？總有一天我會被這所有的“為什么”逼瘋。

Lying awake the following night at the hospital， after an unsuccessful， gutless attempt to jump from a vehicle moving at 80 miles per hour， one thing stood out more than my shoes with no shoe laces. I didn't want to die.

第二天晚上我躺在醫院的床上，睡不著之前我試圖從一輛時速80公里的車上跳下去，但因我的怯懦而失敗了，比我沒有鞋帶的鞋還更重要的事是，我并不想死。

And I did not want to inflict any more pain on people to cover up what I was truly trying to hide myself: self-hatred. Self-hatred unleashed on everyone else.

而且我不想再給予別人任何傷害去掩飾我真正想要隱藏的自己：自我憎恨。自我的憎恨轉嫁到了每個人身上。

I saw my mother's pained face for the first time in years-warm， tired brown eyes filled with nothing but thanks for her daughter's new lease on life and love for the child she waited 38 years to bear.

我在母親常年溫暖的眼神中第一次看到了痛苦的臉色，憔悴的褐色的雙眼充滿了對她的女兒重生的感激和對她等了38年才生下的孩子的愛。

My first time encounters with unconditional love. What a powerful feeling！

我生命中第一次遭遇無條件的愛。這是多么強烈的感覺啊！

Despite all the lies I had told her， she still loved me. I cried on her lap for hours one afternoon and asked why she still loved me after all the horrible things I did to her. She just looked down at me， brushed the hair out of my face and said frankly，\"I don't know.\"

盡管我對她撒了謊，她仍然愛我。我趴在她的膝蓋上哭了整整一下午，問她為什么在我對她做了那么多可怕的事后，仍然愛我。她只是低下頭來看看我，幫我撥開垂在臉頰的頭發坦白地說道：“我不知道。”

A kind of smile penetrated her tears as the lines in her tested face told me all that I needed to know. I was her daughter， but more important， she was my mother. Not every rotten child is so lucky. Not every mother can be pushed to the limits I explored time and time again， and venture back with feelings of love.

一種微笑滲透進她飽經風霜的臉上流淌的兩行淚水里，它向我講述了我想知道的一切。我是她的女兒，但最重要的是她是我的母親。不是每個墮落的小孩都如此幸運。也不是每個母親都能一次次地被逼到極限并又勇敢地帶著愛回到原地。

Unconditional love is the most precious gift we can give. Being forgiven for the past is the most precious gift we can receive. I dare not say we could experience this pure love twice in one lifetime.

無條件的愛是我們能給予的最珍貴的禮物。過去所做的一切被原諒是我們能收到的最珍貴的禮物。我敢說我們不可能在一生中經歷兩次這樣純凈的愛。

I was one of the lucky ones. I want to extend the gift my mother gave me to all the\"rotten teenagers\"in the world who are confused.

我是其中的幸運兒之一。我想要把我母親給我的禮物散播給所有在這世界上感到迷茫的“墮落的青少年們”。

It's okay to feel pain， to need help， to feel love — just feel it without hiding. Come out from under the protective covers and take a breath of life.

感受痛苦，尋求幫助，感受愛都是好事，只需要毫無隱藏地去感受它們。從保護的軀殼中釋放出來，呼吸生活的新鮮氣息。

能說會用

rotten：

1. 腐敗的；變質的

rotten eggs

腐臭的蛋

The fish is rotten; you must not eat it.

這魚已經壞了，你千萬不能吃。

2. 邪惡的；腐朽的， 壞的；惡劣的

What a rotten weather!

多么惡劣的天氣！

How rotten for you!

你運氣真壞！

◆編輯：夏天兒