太太最有理

文/張小失

我誠(chéng)摯地告訴太太：我快30歲了，已經(jīng)比較懂事了，決不會(huì)亂花錢，尤其不會(huì)買棒棒糖或打游戲機(jī)。請(qǐng)發(fā)給我10塊錢吧，好讓那只空錢包蓬蓽生輝。

太太溫存地教導(dǎo)我說：真正的男子漢，會(huì)為10元小錢在別人面前哀求嗎？同樣作為男人的美國(guó)總統(tǒng)、英國(guó)首相，他們會(huì)關(guān)心錢包里是否有10元錢嗎？

我就羞紅了臉，但是，我還是希望得到10元錢，因?yàn)槲倚枰粭l劣質(zhì)香煙。

太太又諄諄教誨：吸煙有害健康——這是舉世公認(rèn)的真理，連煙廠都不忌諱。難道我會(huì)違心地給你10元錢購(gòu)買疾病嗎？否！

我惡狠狠地瞪著書櫥說：當(dāng)我在路上遇見一位可敬的上司，難道不該給他獻(xiàn)上一支劣質(zhì)香煙嗎？！

太太嫵媚地笑了：這么說，我就更不該給你。任何一位上司吸過你那劣質(zhì)香煙，都會(huì)在心中留下你那劣質(zhì)印象，于前途不利。

我忿忿地說：非也！

我的每一位上司都熟知我的底細(xì)！他們常常取笑我說：小失啊，你總是騙我們的“紅塔山”抽，卻從不見你回贈(zèng)一支，哪怕是一支劣質(zhì)香煙！難道你太太連10元救濟(jì)款都不能按月發(fā)放嗎？

太太擺擺手，那時(shí)你該反問他們：難道你們抽的高檔香煙錢——都是太太按月發(fā)放的私款？

我啞口無言。太太又說：在我們家庭，已初步實(shí)現(xiàn)共產(chǎn)主義。你衣食無憂，亦無需親自洗衣、做飯，每天上好班、讀好書、寫好文章、當(dāng)好白領(lǐng)、做好“小資”——自由自在、無憂無慮，天塌下來，有我頂著，何樂而不為呢？

我暴跳如雷：快給我10塊錢！

太太凜然指向門外：我不喜歡噪音。

我扭頭沖出門去，丟下一句話：我、會(huì)、回、來、的！

太太緊接一句：有本事你就別回來！

I ask my wife in sincerity: Give me ten Yuan to bulge my wallet. I am approaching thirty and sensible enough not to waste money on lollipop or playing video games.

She tries to persuade me in her soft voice: Will a man plead with his loved one for only ten Yuan? The American President is a man， so is the British Prime Minister. Does either one care if he has ten dollars in his wallet?

I blush with shame. However I still hope I have that money to buy a carton of low quality cigarettes.

She starts instructing me again: It＇s an acknowledged truth and even tobacco companies openly admit that cigarette smoking is harmful for your health. Do you think I＇ll give you the money against my will to allow you to smoke yourself sick? No， I＇ll never do that!

Fixing my eyes on the bookcase， I say angrily: Shouldn＇t I offer an inferior cigarette to my superior whom I meet with on the way?

She charmingly smiles: If that is the case， I have better reason not to give you that money. I must stop you from doing anything that may ruin your prospects. Any superior who smokes your inferior cigarette will certainly have the impression that you are as inferior as your cigarette.

Enraged， I explain: No， you are wrong. Each of my superiors knows me very well. They often tease me: You always take our superior cigarettes but never give us one， not even a low quality cigarette! If your wife provides for you the relief fund every month， can＇t she do it in time?

Waving her hand to express disagreement， she retorts: Shouldn＇t you ask each of your superiors if he smokes high quality cigarettes just because he receives his wife＇s private saving in time every month?

I can＇t say a word. She goes on: A communist system is basically established in our family. You are offered with food and clothes. You needn＇t cook or wash your clothes. But you have your role to play and you should play well. As a white color worker and a petty bourgeois， you go to office to read and write articles every day， free from care and anxiety， and you enjoy a leisurely life. Even if the sky falls down， I＇ll push it up from below. What＇s the sense of not doing that?

In a fury I shout: Give me ten Yuan. Be quick.

Pointing to the outside she says sternly: I don＇t like noise.

I turn round and dash out leaving a word for her: I＇ll Come Back.

In retort she says: Don＇t come back if you are an able， courageous man.